Tuesday, September 20, 2016
I want to emphasize that this is not an apology. Those I have hurt in any way deserve much better. And I feel I have tried to address this apology other literature I have written. This, though my intent is hardly to write these things off, is a sincere and honest examination of myself in how I may have grieved others over the course of my life. And I have faith that when the truth about this comes out, everything will make a lot more sense. It is taking a lot for me to humble myself into saying that I am a sinner just like my abusers and those who have hurt me. I just wish that you could see the full extent of the awful experiences that I went through so that you could have an idea about why I was stumbled into a lot of the acts of my own life. In no way does that excuse it. But, I have repented. I confessed everything in my book, to the best of my ability. Who can say that they have never done anything wrong? I’m asking you and the people involved to forgive me but also to understand why I did this with the incredible weight of what was happening to me. Keep things in perspective. I don’t want this statement to appear pointed or offer any justification, because in no way does it, but I was just a teenager, still very much a child when I did what I did. And I am actively taking initiative to heal from the ‘crimes’ committed against me. What I did does not change what they did. The reason it is taking me so much humility to say this is and the reason I find it difficult to accept criticism is because what I did, I only did once. One time too many. There are a lot of reasons why I did this but I intentionally avoided sex and intimacy until now because I irrationally feared hurting someone. It’s funny that once I was able to open my heart to a woman, I would realize how much love I have in my heart to give. That I felt this way because of what happened to me. That this is not my character in any way. That I was reacting. And that I repented immediately after I realized what happened to me because in realizing what happened to me, I recognized what caused this reaction in me. I would never intentionally hurt someone but I just feared being in that vulnerable state and being around someone who also was in a vulnerable state. Even the concept of consensual intimacy terrified me because I feared being vulnerable. There are many reasons for that but this is true. Again, it does not make it right. But, what they did to me was literally over the course of decades and it was very serious. I pray that you all remember how much courage it takes to admit you’re in the wrong. Especially in an area as sensitive as this. There are people who have not admitted what they have done and who are still living in darkness. I say with love that this was a part of my message. This is a reason I have come. Don’t judge by appearances. It’s tempting but there are always reasons, perhaps neurotic but very real and logical in some way that is clear to the person, for why a person does something. I admit completely, I am the first person to admit that I have a tainted past. The tainted past that I have was very much caused by the traumas and sufferings that affected me in my development. I can say that I am a changed man today. I am changed by the love and grace and mercy of God and the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus. Repost from May 11, 2015: There is little way that I could feel worse for what I did as a youth and even to the age of twenty with the porn. But these are symptoms not character traits. I should have known better. Having gone through this myself. And then to place the weight unfairly onto the shoulders of another. There was only one reason that I did these things. It was because I was being hurt terribly at home. This is hardly an excuse. I am sorry for what I did and I stand accountable. I pray they’ve been able to see the confession and apology I wrote them in my book and know that I do not deny or invalidate their pain. I tried my best to confess a lot of what I had done in my book. I just did not want to hurt them. I respect their suffering as much as my own. I wish I could take their suffering away. They are truly blessed if they have families; if they are able to form relationships. I just pray for their lives. I hope in my heart that they have found forgiveness for me and most of all, for themselves. I pray that they’re able to see what I was going through and more so, that they can see the goodness within themselves. We all have secrets in our hearts. Are they in the light of day or are they shrouded in darkness? We all have a responsibility to heal from our pasts. I am a sinner, admittedly. We all are. I have fell to my knees in shame crying out for forgiveness to God about this. I am ashamed of a lot of my past. The only part I would change is the unwise decisions I have made to hurt other beings because of the suffering I was going through then. This is part of the message I have been sent to bring. I just wasn’t as strong as I should have been. But I am healing. I am taking a proactive step forward in my life. And as I have mentioned in posts past, I am a drastically different man than I was ten years ago, a year ago, even a week ago. It is God who has done this work in me. With the amount of suffering I have been through in my life, if I had not God as a continual working Presence in my life, I would be a literal wreck of a human life. In any case, again to you who I have left with scars, I am truly sorry. I pray for your forgiveness. I pray also that you understand what I was going through when I did this to you. Really, I do absolutely feel that some people can go through more severe circumstances in life. Many factors contribute to both the traumatic effect one faces and their emotional abilities to cope with that trauma later on down the road. Of course, that is not to compare. Neither is that to excuse or to try to be insensitive to the injuries of others. I guess I just feel that it is a fact that because trauma and shame accumulate, there are many factors, which can contribute to an injury or a series of injuries leaving more of an effect. Factors like relationship to the abuser, earlier it starts, extent, use of violence, whether your story was heard and believed if there was any disclosure. Everything I have said is true. From a child’s perspective. But this is why, in a sense, I desire validation for what I have been through. Because of the extreme nature of my abuse. I don’t have the tools to know how to love. (Returning to read this, I want to leave it up as a testimony). Love, growing up, was a trap, set as the bait for abuse and terrible pain I would wish on no one. I combat these thoughts with Christ, with the truth that I am loved. I just feel that because this abuse happened to me at such an early age, the defence mechanisms are ingrained. I need help. God knows I will not give up on love until my last breath expires. But I need to keep faith. I need to keep doing what I am doing. I am going to the gym later on today. I need to keep that up. I am painting a picture this evening. I have no goal set for it. I am going to just allow myself to feel. There is no question that things will get worse. They will get better again. There will be rest. There will be peace. I want to use the voice that I have now to encourage all of you to stay strong in your faith, to not give up. Keep vigilant and watch on your heart. Do not allow anyone to test you of your firmly held convictions. Don’t be deceived by flattery. I’m looking forward to this event, even though I know what it will eventually bring will be hard to face, I know in my heart what awaits on the other side of our convictions. I know what waits for us after we have persevered and fought this battle with all our hearts, right out to the end. Keep faith. I still have not given up faith nor have stopped believing that things can get better before this happens. Keep faith brothers and sisters. God is with you. God is with you most when you feel He is absent. Just please, remember what I am claiming. And my memory is not flawed. I just hope you, the people I have hurt over the course of my life, are happy and that you have forgiven yourself. Things are going to get better. For you and for everyone else. I would rather be punished than have your world lose out on its blessing. I hope you can forgive me. If not now, understandably, than when the truth comes out. Everything I wrote about in my book is real. Peace be with you. I know I have to humble myself. I know what I deserve. I feel so badly. Please remember what I have been through. If it means anything, keep things in perspective. Know none of this was your fault. And I happen to know very well that God wouldn’t allow anything to happen that would hurt you, as a people. Trust in your God. He will not let you down. I wish you could see how hard I am trying. I want the best for you, for our… world. The fact that a man who smoked twenty cigarettes a day in year’s past but since has done everything in his power to avoid cigarettes, while he is going around advocating the fact that smoking is bad for you does not make him a hypocrite. The fact that he has taken part in the thing he is criticizing does not undermine the integrity of his argument. I understand how you’re feeling. Please remember my message. That trauma accumulates, shame accumulates and this sort of behavior has the potential to perpetuate. I hope this will make more sense to you after some time. Like I said, this was bound to come out. I am strong enough. There is a reason for all of this. Truth will come out.