Friday, February 10, 2017

In examination:

I forgive you. Still, all of this silence and the fact that people aren’t coming to my defence is really hurtful and deeply perpetuates the shame that I feel in believing that there must have been something I have done to deserve what happened to me. Even though I understand and empathize with people who knew, I can’t help but feel really hurt. I can’t tell you how alone I feel. Facts are not truth. The evil one is skilled at covering up truth, which clearly includes covering up facts. Truth will come out. Remember these two things. Nothing bad and born of darkness is impossible in the darkness. This world belongs, though temporarily, to the evil one. Everything for the good and that which is illuminating is possible in God. There is a reason all of this is so obscured right now. There is also a reason my experiences seem so preposterous. I’m just saying that it is very understandable to me that there are a lot of limitations that I have after living through so much trauma. This is not an excuse. It’s a reason. You already know I want to. But I may not be able to do some things in the way that healthy people are able to. I’m just asking you to have reasonable and appropriate empathy. Here’s a thought for you. Everybody has the capacity to suffer on equal levels in this world. Though, some suffer a great deal more than others. Would we expect a person with no legs to ‘run’ a leg race? That’s preposterous. Certain things happen to people, which prevent them from doing other things as efficiently. That doesn’t mean that they don’t want to. Though they have not stopped them from trying, they just have physical or emotional or even psychological limitations because of experiences that have shaped them. At the same time, I have forged forward and come lightyears from where I once was. And I have conquered a lot of battles. Bear in mind that I am not just a rape and sexual abuse survivor. I survived that all my young life. I also survived a terrible, terrible injury to my brain. Okay, it’s a complicated thought. But I hope you get the picture. You know how I feel. The darkness is very real. Repression of realizations that are too traumatic to deal with is not fantasy. The mind is very skilled at protecting itself from potentially damaging truths. This is not exclusive to me. Though I’m not saying that anyone else has been through trauma similar to mine, even witnessing something this troubling can be a reason for the mind to shut off to it. You know how I feel. The body doesn’t lie. There are so many symptoms that cannot be attributed to that injury. Like my not only fear, but extreme aversion to sexuality when I was younger. A fact that I had absolutely no explanation for until I realized what my abusers were doing was wrong. I realize this must be discouraging for you. Truth is certainly coming out. I need to pray for insight about what’s next. I know there is still a way for your world to rejoice. All of this silence is just going to make the truth that much more valuable when it comes out. Your world is hurting right now. Healing is coming. Rest is coming. In whatever has to follow, please know that while I am here, I will continue to encourage, to explain and to help. Even if it’s in darkness, I am prepared to be a pillar. This has not changed nor will it. Truth will come out. If you are willing, keep faith, please. I know it’s difficult to believe in something without corroboration, especially coming from a man who is as emotionally scarred as I am. There’s a powerful statement that goes that out of the most damaging wounds and deepest scars, emerge the most beautiful souls. I guess I know now that I do not deserve a lot of the things God has offered me. But I have faith that He will give me more than what I deserve on the day of my judgement because of His great love. I am not asking you to have faith in me. Have faith in God’s capacity of love. We can focus on the bad things in life, the things we don’t have. Have you ever paused to think about how great your life is? To think about the amazing gift you’ve been given. Lately I have been going through an awful lot of reflecting. Some of it has been positive. But a lot of it has been negative. I want you to know that we have a right to our feelings, to feel discouraged and hurt. And that whatever we are feeling, there is reason for why we feel. This is human. But it’s so very important to return to the absolute certainty that you are loved. We need to explore these recesses of hurt. But with the foundation of love and hope for the future. I know this is difficult for you to believe me. It’s difficult for me to know a truth and have it clouded in obscurity to the rest. The darkness is strong here. But people make choices in this life, which we will be held accountable for sooner or later. Don’t misunderstand the reasons people do things. I just have faith that there is a reason to this. And that when it’s the right time, it will be revealed. And I have faith in my God. Please just remember to have compassion on people who are having difficulty in life, for there is a reason. There is always a reason. Please have compassion. The key to this is taking this shame and offering it to Jesus. But we need to heal the wounds created. Only the love of Jesus can do this. I know this process is difficult for people. I wish you could see how it’s all affecting me. Very few people would be willing to place their most dark and shameful experiences, awful experiences, which shaped them in so many ways before the entire world to judge, empathize with or in a lot of cases criticize. I am being very open with my wounds. I am telling the truth. I realize to you there is little reason to care. I realize that I don’t deserve your trust. But this is my life. There are reasons for all of this. I’m just sorry that I couldn’t have been stronger. I pray it will become clear. This is not just about me. I will not give up while there is Spirit in my flesh. I have faith that Christ will lead me to the end of my journey. Realizing that I have a choice. Not over the events of my early life; but I absolutely have a choice now. Realizing this has encouraged me to keep a positive attitude – to not listen to others who are saying I can’t do it. I have a choice, by meditating on and embracing the Truth of Scripture and of God. The Truth of love. I’m not giving up. I guess I don’t expect you to believe me now until there is corroboration. Facts are not truth. Nothing is impossible. What I am saying is not a confession. Neither is it an accusation. Rather, it was a testimony. I only crave the truth. There is a reason this is all obscured. Things will not end here. Truth will certainly come out… Just open your hearts. Whatever happens, I know it will be for the glory of God and for the benefit of all. I’ve done everything, everything I could possibly do. All I can do now is have faith, continue to pray and continue to act in love. The rest is in God’s hands. Remember, what darkness arises from this is my fault. And I am prepared to stand accountable for how I have hardened my heart. Things will certainly change. I will continue to encourage. I am strong enough. I will not give up. For our world to rejoice. No one has the right to tell you what you have or have not experienced in this life. Remember, whatever happens, this is not about me. It was. Because of the extent of trauma I endured. The right thing will happen for the world. If I am crazy, what does it matter? If it’s of God, it will come. I hope at a point, you can see how much faith this took. Facts are not truth. What is Truth? Truth is the love of God.