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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

A Final Word for 2016:

This is going to be the final post I post here for a while at least. I feel as though I need to rely on and place my trust more completely into the hands of the Father. With the faith that whatever arises, He will redeem and glorify me as I deserve. I will continue to write. I will absolutely not give up. I'm asking for your mercy. Believe me, with the fullness of my heart, I want the best for all of you. And if I have hurt people (I know I have) God knows how sorry I am. I hope that you can sympathize with me and what I was going through. Please just know how much you are valued and loved. Remember that it is not against the Gospel to help those who are suffering. Jesus, come. “The Spirit and the Bride say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who hears say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.” (Revelation 22:17). Salvation is available to everyone. I went into this knowing I'd have little support. Darkness has been permitted to grow strong. But only for a time. Truth will come out. I am certain of this. In everything, God be praised. Read it again. Whatever happens tomorrow, I know and rest my faith in His love. Whatever darkness comes, will be like dust. It will last only a while. I’m prepared for what’s ahead. Your world is hurting right now. Healing is coming. Rest is coming. In whatever has to follow, please know that while I am here, I will continue to encourage, to explain and to help. If you are willing, keep faith, please. I know it’s difficult to believe in something without corroboration, especially coming from a man who is as emotionally scarred as I am. There’s a powerful statement that goes that out of the most damaging wounds and deepest scars, emerge the most beautiful souls. I guess I know now that I do not deserve a lot of the things God has offered me. But I have faith that He will give me more than what I deserve on the day of my judgement because of His great love. I am not asking you to have faith in me. Have faith in God’s capacity of love. We can focus on the bad things in life, the things we don’t have. Have you ever paused to think about how great your life is? To think about the amazing gift you’ve been given. Lately I have been going through an awful lot of reflecting. Some of it has been positive. But a lot of it has been negative. I want you to know that we have a right to our feelings, to feel discouraged and hurt. And that whatever we are feeling, there is reason for why we feel. This is human. But it’s so very important to return to the absolute certainty that you are loved. We need to explore these recesses of hurt. But with the foundation of love and hope for the future. I know this is difficult for you to believe me. It’s difficult for me to know a truth and have it clouded in obscurity to the rest. The darkness is strong here. But people make choices in this life, which we will be held accountable for sooner or later. Don’t misunderstand the reasons people do things. I just have faith that there is a reason to this. And that when it’s the right time, it will be revealed. And I have faith in my God. Please just remember to have compassion on people who are having difficulty in life, for there is a reason. There is always a reason. Please have compassion. The key to this is taking this shame and offering it to Jesus. But we need to heal the wounds created. Only the love of Jesus can do this. I know this process is difficult for people. I wish you could see how it’s all affecting me. Remember these two things. Nothing bad and born of darkness is impossible in the darkness. This world belongs, though temporarily, to the evil one. Everything for the good and that which is illuminating is possible in God. There is a reason all of this is so obscured right now. There is also a reason my abuse seems so preposterous. The love of Christ Jesus, be with you. Peace be with our world.

August 23, 2016:

Concept of intimacy doesn’t feel normal to me. It seems foreign to me that sex and physical love could be positive. My aversion is clearly understandable to me at least. Even with something good and normal, like water, if a young boy from a very young age was continually shamed for his desire to drink it and nearly drowned as a response, it is obvious that that boy will grow up with an unhealthy view of both his need for the life sustaining substance and of it in general. As a testimony, as a prelude to my next journal entry: Keep what I have been through in mind. It feels as though an entirely new gender has appeared overnight. Love feels different than abuse. I spent the past week with an amazing friend from Edmonton. I spent an amazing weekend with her in June and at New Years of this year. This time I went to Edmonton to see her. I can’t tell you how relaxing and amazing this week has been. The first night we were there, I asked her if she would take me to church. So she took me to St. Theresa’s Parish. We got there a little early. I prayed the rosary while we waited. She was really cool about the fact that we arrived like an hour early. I knew she was not used to going to church so I explained the process of Mass to her and invited her to approach at the offering for a blessing. It was an amazing start to our trip together. The day after, we went to the movies where we saw Bad Moms. Later, we went to Fort Edmonton Park where we rode the little steam engine train into the restored village from the end of the 19th century. On the 20th, we went to Northlands Racetrack where we saw Paul Brandt perform in the infield. That was quite an experience for me because I really enjoy his music. We went to a bar called the Trap and Gill. It was an awesome bar. I feel I drank a bit more than I should have when we went to the bar. It had been a long time since I had drank that much. I guess I wasn’t aware of my limit. I was feeling fine sitting. Then when I stood, everything hit me. I stopped after this. Anyways, I have kept it in moderation for the rest of the week. I have quite a serious injury. This affects the way I walk. Because I stumble does not mean I am drunk. I was celebrating. Though, I do feel it is not right for me to drink to excess. I will go to confession. I’m not going to be held back by old methods of coping that clearly need to change. To be clear, I have not gone back to old coping patterns. I was celebrating. But I want the love that is in my heart to show in what I do and say. I’m going to put others before myself a lot more. I’m going to make a fresh start. A couple of positive things about the week: I’m proud of myself that I avoided cigarettes all week, while Donna smokes. Though, really, I have never had any real cravings to look back. I’m proud of myself that in the time I went to the casino for the concert, we did not spend any time gambling. Infinitely more than that, I spent the week, I guess you could say, learning to love again. In so many ways. Especially with what I have been through. And I know what I am claiming is to a lot of people still sort of a phantom crime, though I know you want to believe me, I am learning and learned so much this week that I absolutely deserve love and intimacy. But I also learned that love is about so much more than sex and intimacy. I learned that love is not dangerous as it was hardwired into my mind. Consent and intimate expression of love are sexy. Anyways, I’m realizing that I deserve love. Especially with what I have been through. Waiting allows a relationship to grow so that God can be the focus of the relationship. Though we need, I think, to examine each situation with love and respect. I deserve to be happy, if God says that. God has encouraged me to be happy my entire life. Remember, you cannot forget that God is above all, a loving Father to they who also love Him. Remember that. I went to confession for my conscience. Confession is very important. I consider myself blessed to have grown my faith in a Baptist and an evangelical church. In this spiritual upbringing, so to speak, I learned a very valuable lesson that has kept with me. I learned that when we are in Christ, the Law is written on our hearts. With this comes a changed self. But the change in self is very important. I learned the very valuable tenet that Christ died for our sins and that forgiveness is available through grace through faith. Still, I have come to believe and this is only my belief, that as our aim is holiness and righteousness, we should strive to keep ourselves pure. In my opinion, there is a purpose in humility, contrition and penance. I believe very strongly that what God wanted me to do, what He has always wanted me to do was to open my heart. I believe that allowing my heart to open was the right thing. I know God wanted me to be happy with my childhood. I’m feeling alive. Even though a part of me has died. High five to life, seriously. I got in touch with a part of myself that was literally dead prior to this week. I am feeling so wonderfully blessed to have met Donna. Love can heal anything. The healing power of the love of God in absolute faith is what raised Lazarus from the dead. Especially in cases where love and intimacy have been used abusively, love and physical love are all the more important when it comes to the healing process. I intend to live well here forward. I want to ensure that everything I do and say comes from a place of love. Please remember that love is one of the basest of human needs. I was deprived of that on every account for the entirety of my life. I have never experienced love, even from a mother. God is compassionate. I was meant to be happy. To show that even after and through the worst of abuses, it is possible to overcome through love. But I have faith they are not against my conscience. I have faith that God wanted me to be happy. Tradition is very important. I'm asking you to remember God's love. Remember what I am claiming. I assure you that even though this is still in darkness to you, I live every moment with the consequences of over two decades of terrible abuse. Suffering itself, suffering for suffering’s sake does not make one holy. Unless that suffering was endured for His glory. It’s about how we react to suffering. And I do not feel I am doing that bad, in the face of everything I am up against. I hope you will be able to see, when the truth comes out, just how much faith it took. I cannot and will not stop speaking my truth. The symptoms are all there. I am not nor have I ever expected anyone to believe until after there was corroboration. When the truth comes out. God bless you. I feel like I finally have a happy ending to my story.

A few special people:

I am overwhelmingly grateful for being able to open my heart. And I am so grateful for the woman with whom it happened. I couldn’t be happier. Donna, I love you. You are very important to me. Still after this week, I reflected, regretting over the relationships and experiences I was not able to experience because I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to. I am very sad that now that I am able to date and have a friendship, I lost some of the most beautiful women I have ever known. I can’t believe that I let them go. What I really can’t believe is how much effort they put into trying to get me to open up. A few especially. But another thing accepting that feeling of love and acceptance is doing for me is showing me that I have to treat myself with gentleness and respect as well. I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to show these two women how much I loved them. And I did love them, legitimately. I think I still do. I love a lot of people for their ability to see hope in me when everybody wanted to give up. These women are constantly in my heart. And regardless of what happens, that will never change. I wish I could have been stronger. I know this will not make entire sense to you now but I want to be the one to lead you to salvation. And I want them to know how much I value them. My heart wants for you to be glad and to be at peace, in joy and love. I just want you to know how much you mean to me and how much your concern and drive to help means to me. I am very happy and my heart is filled with gratitude. There will be little time to be sad.

Positive affirmations:

1. I love and approve of myself. I value my identity. 2. I am too valuable to waste my time on self-pity and sadness. 3. I am grounded, safe and nurtured. 4. I am loved. 5. I trust myself. 6. I am a unique child of God. 7. I have as much brightness to offer this world as anyone else. The brightness I have to offer is unique to my own life. 8. I trust my inner wisdom and intuition. 9. Great things will unfold before me. 10. I forgive myself for all of the mistakes I have made. I forgive myself for things that are not my responsibility to carry. 11. I accept responsibility if my anger has hurt anyone. And offer my apology. 12. I replace my anger with compassion and understanding. 13. I fully approve of who I am, even as I get better. 14. I adopt the mindset to praise myself. 15. Everything works out for my highest good. 16. I follow my dreams no matter what. 17. I trust in my own ability to provide well for myself. 18. I choose to fully participate in my day. 19. I believe in my ability to change the world with the work that I do. 20. I take comfort in the fact that I can always leave this situation. 21. I am beautiful and smart and that’s how everyone sees me. 22. I take great pleasure in my friends, even if we disagree or live different lives. 23. I trust myself to make the best decision for me. 24. I trust in my ability to do the right thing. 25. I trust in God that even though things may be difficult now, they will work out well. 26. I am strong enough. 27. God loves me and I choose to see myself through the eyes of my Lord Jesus. 28. I am prudent and think before I act and speak. 29. I am doing the right thing if I follow my heart in faith, even if it hurts. 30. I believe in myself, even when no one else does. 31. This will end well. 32. I have seen Heaven. I want Heaven. 33. I am loved. I am able to love and to accept love. 34. I care about my friends and want the best for them. 35. I want the best for myself and deserve great things. 36. I want to do the will of God. 37. I crave to finish my race well. 38. I am creative and productive. 39. I deserve intimacy, love and passion. 40. I want what God has offered me. 41. I want to glorify God.

A thought in solitude:

I don’t feel I am doing too badly. I smiled this entire morning. I feel good about myself. This morning, there was an older woman who had a bit of difficulty getting onto the bus. I was about to help her but she got on. When she sat, her walker was kind of rolling around. I noticed she was going to get off the bus and that her walker was rolling away from her. So I put my foot under one of the wheels. I think she misunderstood my intentions. I was trying to help. I have so much to be grateful for. Today, I saw a counselor. He encouraged me to make a list of the positive things I can think of with everything that is happening at the moment. This got me thinking. There certainly are some positives. I didn’t get much work done today. This evening, a community cat (there are a couple) I have seen before was waiting in the courtyard of my neighborhood as I walked up the path. I sat and he came over and purred and rubbed up against me a bunch. It was very nice even though I had to wash my hands immediately after. I smiled again today. Truth will certainly come out. It gets debilitating sometimes, having truth suppressed like this. I saw a page from the internet about children who speak up against maltreatment. This quote stuck with me and I have been meditating over it for the past while: ‘If the child's story is trusted, the implications for action are far reaching for both the child and the family. On the other hand, if the child is not believed and the allegation is true, the effect on the child will almost surely be devastating.’ And surely, not only for the reason that in a child’s situation, the disbelief that could occur there could potentially lead to the child continued to be left under care of the abusive figures. If a child tells something that serious and makes themselves that vulnerable with all of the trauma that they have been through, and they are not believed, it’s devastating psychologically and emotionally for that child in so many ways. I’m not looking for pity. I was reflecting today. I have everything to look forward to. Because I know that the truth is certainly coming out in my case. But, really that’s the least I have to look forward to. I am very happy tonight. Blessings. It seems the two neighborhood cats are taking shifts greeting people coming up the alley. I met my other friend tonight, the black and white one. Stopped and pet him. I’m starting to wonder whether they are wild. Because they’ve no collar, either one of them. But they’re well fed and clean enough. They’re very friendly and it kind of makes me feel good seeing them at night. Anyways, I had a very good and productive day. I finished my travel novella. I’m just going to go through it and add some stuff now. I’m trying very hard to smile right now. Not at anyone in particular but just to smile. In doing this, I hope to be able to train my mind into a state of gratitude. I’m trying to be encouraging when I interact with people. I wrote out a list of positive affirmations some time ago, for my personal emotional health. I’ll post it here as well. Hopefully it can offer someone else a little encouragement. I’m thinking a list of positive affirmations may come in handy over the next couple of months. Truth will certainly come out. Things will certainly make a lot more sense soon. I’m trying very hard to smile, to encourage, to be grateful. Still, I wish you could see how stressful this all is for me. There will be opportunity to rejoice. I pray that you remember me after this is over. Remember that truth is not always found in the easiest solution, in the explanation that seems to make most sense. When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed injustice and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with injustices later. When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed trauma and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with everything that happens to confront us. It is when we have been able to process this trauma and injustice that great things are in sight.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Some thoughts on Pornography:

http://www.challies.com/articles/7-good-reasons-to-stop-looking-at-porn-right-now?utm_content=buffer6227e&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer I didn't write this meme but I do absolutely support it's theme. There are different kinds of pornography. The problem arises when pornography for the individual becomes a problem. Which I think is what this meme is speaking to. I've looked at porn in the past. But the reasons I did it were to mask emotional pain of past experiences. Because it is like that: a drug. I agree fully that the signifier of healthy sexuality is about a relationship with the self as opposed to others or other things, but that doesn't change anything about the negative side effects of and degradation of porn. I'm consciously choosing not to anymore but that does not and should not affect your choices. Because like you say in a way Josef, sexuality is a personal expression of self. But even that is relative. It is agreed that there are softcore, romantic porns but there are just the same hardcore, fringing on extremely abusive porn. The main problem is that when porn becomes a 'problem' or an addiction, the chemicals released in the brain to provide the sexual high, get used to previous forms of it, like the softcore porn. This leads to a search for more dangerous, 'thrilling' material to get the same high. Again, this is where it becomes problematic on many levels leading to isolation and relationship problems and heightened desensitization and estrangement to human empathy and suffering. A little porn; ok? Sure. But just like alcohol, it becomes a problem when it itself becomes a problem. I believe that God created sex for a couple to express their love for each other. I think that is all that statement means. I urge you guys to check out some of these videos I've provided links to. One is a TED Talk, another a personal experience of an EX porn star, another scientific symptoms of the negative impacts of pornography addiction on the human psyche. The last one is a personal account of the positive effects of not viewing porn for extended periods of time following that individual's negative experiences with addiction to porn. Ask yourself, what kinds of porn are available today for consumption? Is it simply romantic, softcore porn that expresses human love and intimacy? Or are there practically endless amounts of child porn, brutal and violent porn and other extremely abusive forms of the stuff? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWf4s1B3KR8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ya67aLaaCc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO0dzEGpl68

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

A Thought:

When our foundations and groundings are shaky, we will not have effective footing from which to draw the resources we need to confront everything that comes our way. I’ve been noticing myself lapsing into old coping patterns and strategies over the past few days. Merited, this time for me is very stressful. In spite of the bodily stress I am feeling, I am feeling quite grateful. Try to be tolerant and understanding of the mistakes of others. We can’t see their life’s history. But we can empathize. Knowing that life, especially in these days, is not easy for anyone. Still, there are some things, which are not cool. It’s not cool to commit sin. God has compassion. But He will judge righteously. Reading this post of mine again, at the end I said, ‘all I can do is continue to try. And to be grateful.’ I believe I am stronger than that. I will triumph. Because, above all and certainly greater than the stresses is the beautiful truth that I am loved. What a beautiful truth that in the middle of all of these bad things happening in the world, we are so loved and cherished.

Some Thoughts:

God is certainly present in church. The Holy Mass is where we encounter the true body and flesh of our Lord Jesus Christ. You can speak to God wherever you are. God isn’t only present in the church. We go there to encounter Him and to worship Him because we love Him. Though God isn’t only present in the physical building of the church. We all have the ability to speak and cry out to a God who will love us in spite of our pains, in spite of what we have done. God is present in the body of Christ; the followers of Christ. I guess the point of this entry is to let you know that God sees your hurts and your sufferings. He sees your offerings and your accomplishments. And, if you turn to Him and His love, He will reward and glorify you. What a joy that we can come before His throne and He will hear us! Entertainment and art serve many purposes. The greatest of all is the expression of the human spirit and our feelings as a community. Art and music are never irrelevant. I guess I just want to guard at all times, what I allow into my heart, soul and mind, knowing the enormously influential pathos of what we see to shape our world beliefs. Never forget their place and purpose in our society is to entertain. It’s not about what enters your stomach. It’s about what comes out of your heart in your words and actions. Life is about more than the popular trends, looking good and even, often, how we act and what we say. I have absolute faith that things will get better first. Please keep faith in a God who will certainly do what He has promised you and would never hurt you. Speaking about what I am feeling is always a good release. I think the outlet for shame, as crying is for sorrow, as yelling or lashing out in a healthy way is for anger, is having an environment where you are able to verbally express yourself uninhibited. I intend to paint a couple of more paintings. I intend to finish writing a couple things I have started. I don’t know right now whether people believe me. I wouldn’t expect you to. I know there is courage in humility. I’m just trying to encourage. Keep faith in God. Truth will certainly be revealed. Today, I am grateful for the motivation that is growing in my spirit to stand for truth until the truth is revealed. That’s what this is about, after all.

A Note:

I am driven to be a whole person. To recollect the shattered pieces of myself and my soul that were broken and lost as a result of everything that happened to me. I have faith that when we are able to heal and rise above our hurts and pains, we will be in a much better way. After I accepted Christ, I felt truly complete. Complete in a way that I cannot fully explain. I felt such peace. But I feel as though we must dig deeper, healing parts of us that have been hurt, for that love, the love of God to fully saturate our beings. I can truly say that forgiveness has been a process for me. I thought once that it would have been accomplished and put to rest every problem I have ever had, once I made that initial act of forgiveness. But I could recognize after a while that forgiveness is a continual battle. Like love, it’s an act of the will. But it takes a while for the feelings and emotions to follow. I had blamed myself for the abuse. Forgiving them involves forgiving myself first. We need to be as compassionate toward ourselves as we try to be toward others. I needed to take care of myself first. I needed to forgive myself for being human, a child and show myself the compassion and love that I deserve. I felt so much shame as a result of what they did to me. For so many years, I hated myself because I thought on some base, core level, I was filthy and worthless. I still feel unlovable at times. I want anyone who has been through these experiences to know that it’s not okay to feel this way. These were crimes that happened to us and no child, regardless of what they were doing, deserves to feel this way about themselves. The weight of this crime is on the abusers. This is a sin that particularly upsets God. But with each act of forgiveness that I offered to the people who hurt me, the more I felt complete within myself, closer to my God. Each time I was able to extend that mercy towards them, the more compassion I started to feel for them. It would become clearer to me that there was good in their lives. This was an aspect of their lives and not their total lives. No matter how often it happened, this wasn’t everything they did with their lives. When I first realized, it was difficult for me to have sympathy for people who could commit such terrible crimes against children. It was easier and safer for me to look at their dark side. There was no way, at the beginning that I could have seen them as human beings instead of evil incarnate. This belief served to detach my soul from the overwhelming degree of shame that I was experiencing and also to give validation to the fact that I was in every respect completely innocent. As time progressed, I could determine to remember a number of good memories and could identify specific things that encouraged me. As time progressed, my heart softened a bit. My first thought when I remembered was that they were pure evil. This feeling festered for a while as I remained, for self-preservation’s purposes in a state of bitterness. Then I realized they were just hurting. They deal with their pain by doing what their perpetrator did. They need compassion as well as judgement for their actions. They made the choices. But they are people who suffer just like us. I can’t believe their focused desire was to ruin the lives of children. They were acting out of horrendous pain and not out of intentional evil. After I was able to forgive for the first time, I was able to think about their anguish. I truly believe in my heart that a lot of the stuff that happens in our world is learned behavior. I don’t want to think of some of this stuff like child abuse as intentional, deliberate decisions to harm innocent creatures. I began to see them as more than vile, heartless creatures. What they did was wrong. But they too live in pain. This in no way justifies their actions but it humanizes them. To realize that they were not totally depraved and not deserving any kindness or sympathy. I realize that they also have done some good in their lives. They are more than their sinful actions. Eventually I was able to forgive my perpetrators because I saw them as victims just as I had been. They repeated behavior they had learned. I don’t think enough about, appreciate enough, how much I myself have been forgiven. How can I not forgive others, whatever the offence, when I have been forgiven so much more than I can even conceive? God not only forgives sin, God loves the sinner. That’s the example I want to follow. I like to think of the Creation like this: Man was created in the image of God. This means that we are all created as good, whole, perfect beings. It’s the enemy who comes to destroy. He is the one who placed lies into the minds of mankind, turning us against each other. A lot of the time, I have to remind myself how blessed to have a God who knows what it’s like to be human. The temptations, the fears, the shame and the hopes and dreams. We can unite in love and faith once we realize that everyone suffers. That everyone hopes. That everyone dreams. It’s a truly global cause that every human experiences pain. Have faith. Society is increasingly isolating itself with technology and other coping mechanisms. We need to do this together.

June 6, 2016:

This past couple of weeks has been a rollercoaster for me. I guess that a big part of what I have been dealing with is confronting the fact that I too, in my past, have hurt others indirectly and directly. And realizing the enormous amounts of shame that surround these issues. As I have been realizing the impact of some of the things I have done, I’m feeling pretty rough. Knowing that I have taken what was happening to me and acted out in rebellious ways, makes me cringe. I have been seeing a therapist to deal with this issue. And though, while I know that I am not like this now and have come a long way in my own healing in every respect (including quitting completely pornography), I know that I have to heal from this perspective as well. I suppose that what I want to say here is that there is no excuse. God knows how sorry I am for some of the things that I have done. I suppose the reason I keep saying in my posts, to keep things in perspective, is not at all to justify the bad things I did. But to let others know what I was up against, in the insight that bad behavior is learned. Remember my age. I have said that it is a miracle that I did not end up a complete wreck in a ditch at the age of twelve. I believe that God is working in my life too. And that because I did these bad things, it does not dehumanize me from what happened to me. Because I went through an awful lot. Again, it’s no excuse for my behavior. I know my actions may have had some serious consequences. I pray for anyone I may have hurt through my actions and words in my life. I pray that you are happy and surrounded by love.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Meditation:

I meditated over this passage of the Gospel today. I just found it to be so beautiful and nourishing to my soul and mind. Here it is: “Philip said to him, ‘Lord, show us the Father, and it is enough for us.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me, Philip? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father? Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own authority, but the Father who dwells in me does his works. Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me, or else believe on account of the works themselves.’” Reading this passage today really humbled me and placed me into a state of awe. With the knowledge that God did come to earth as a human being to suffer by us and for us is very powerful. Especially, to know that God Himself was present with these people makes me a little envious of the chance they had. Would I have responded any differently than they? God is a God of love, restoration, justice and mercy. These things are evident in His works. He has the power to restore death to life. Something He wants for all of us. This is one thing that makes me think of Mary. Something recorded of what she says in response to the angel Gabriel leaves me humbled by her faith. She says when Gabriel tells her that she will give birth to the Holy One of Israel, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” In these days when there are so many distractions, pains and sufferings; things that interfere with our faith, let us pray to God for a faith like Mary’s. Remembering that God wants the best for us and that the way to achieve His will is to be obedient to Him in faith. Suffering itself, suffering for suffering’s sake does not make one holy. Unless that suffering was endured for His glory. It’s about how we react to suffering. And I do not feel I am doing that bad, in the face of everything I am up against. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed earlier today. Knowing the silence is a result of my own disobedience. I need to remember the real values of life like the connections I have had in my time here. I need to remember how I have been treated with love and compassion. We all need to have that compassion and empathy for each other. It’s tough to know another person’s story, what they’re going through. But it’s not difficult to know that there is a lifetime behind the eyes looking at us. We all bleed. We all cry. We all have the ability to create. We need to start looking for solutions with each other. We are all brothers and sisters in that. In that we all suffer. We are united in love. I need even in the darkest times, to fully lean my trust into the nails of the Cross. Because the job is accomplished.

Joy in Darkness:

Remember what I said. That there would be darkness before things grew light again. I went into it knowing that no one would remember. That I would have no support in any way. The evil one has been trying to suppress my spirit from the day I was born. He will not win. I hope, in the future, you can see how much faith this took. When the truth comes out, things will make a lot more sense. Truth will absolutely come out. When the truth comes out, there will be an opportunity to rejoice. This is not about me. I’ve been paying too much attention to what others think of me lately. Don’t think I am blind. I notice the way others are treating me right now. Feeling resigned and defeated. I don’t know what I have done to upset people. I don’t want to feel like this. My identity is more than that. And I deserve so much more. I am going to focus on positive a lot more. I don’t need the approval of other people. I cannot be perfect. I’m saying that for the benefit of everyone. Believe me, you have a right to be disappointed with me. But I really am not doing as poorly as you may think. I am doing a lot positive. I wish you could see; I still have faith that it will be revealed to you how hard I am trying. What I have been through. I can’t help how you feel about me or change your perceptions about me. Because in light of everything I have been through, I’m trying very hard to do the right thing and to open my heart to trust. What I can do is not give up. I’ve told the truth in my life and I will stand by it through whatever I have to. I know it’s difficult to have compassion and patience for someone who continually is turned away from righteousness. Please, don’t forget what I have been through. No one owes me anything. I realize that. And after yesterday that feeling has solidified within my heart. I’m trying to be as neutral as I can right now. So that I can make the best of this situation with a positive and humble attitude. But I have to speak the truth as I know it. And I will not apologize for that. All I have stood against, really, is hate. I don’t think it’s insensitive to speak up against murder and rape. Truth is coming out. I remember everything else very well. I am not crazy. I know your society would expect an element of holiness. I’ll not give up. I will try my hardest. I know how difficult it is to believe in something we can’t see. I’m just asking you to understand why what is happening right now is so re-traumatizing and stressful for me. I’ll not give up. I am a child of the Kingdom before even I am a suffering human being. Every time I read the Word of God, I experience joy. Something new is revealed to me. It’s like an adventure to read Scripture. As it should be. It’s always very exciting for me to enter the Word. But today, something happened that really triggered a reaction in me. I have experienced this before but not to this degree. The Word always speaks to me when I am reading. But what happened today really made me feel a lot of joy and sorrow at the same time. I was reading the Gospel of John, chapter 20. This is the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. I don’t usually visualize when I am reading. With the trauma, visualization has been a struggle. I struggle with this a lot and try very hard to visualize when I am reading Scripture. Today, after praying before entering, I had such a powerful image of two angels sitting in the cave, appearing to Mary Magdeline. I saw these angels with such power. They were like burning embers and burnt into my vision. I kind of wept after this. It was so incredibly powerful. I am feeling a lot right now. Mostly, I am feeling sorry. I am very sorry for a lot in my life. How I have allowed the trauma in my own life to dictate how I act and speak at times. I’m sorry that it has allowed me to hurt other people. I’m sorry that I keep forgetting how great your world has been to me. The stress is not an excuse. I am going to try, keep trying. I know I’ve said it before. I won’t give up. Even if it’s for myself. I’m realizing my reactions lately are not too classy. I am going to win this. I am not going to allow the darkness to win. Satan is a punk. My life is more than what I have been through. And I have the choice over what I do and how I react.

July, 2016:

I am trying to place the needs of others before my own. I’m noticing that when I exercise on the punching bag, my testosterone levels seem to spike. I really don’t know how to deal with these hormones. Today at the gym, I approached the water fountain and while I was standing there, another man moved in before me. After the guy who was filling a bottle left, I stepped in before the guy who walked in front of me and then walked away. I felt kind of badly about this. But then I thought about it a bit. We are to put the needs of others before our own. We are to be meek. But we are not to be walking mats. I feel I took this particular situation a bit too far. The testosterone, I’m sure had a bit to do with it. But, it just made me reflect over what I have been through. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a man to subject himself to decades of sexual slavery and abuse at the cost of sacrificing their needs for the needs of others. Sometimes, we need to stand up and say what’s enough. We have to help ourselves for God to help us. I dislike that clichĂ© because it’s not entirely biblical. But I believe very strongly that there is an element of truth in that. It’s not against the Gospel to help those who are suffering. Neither is it to seek justice. Please don’t forget that I confronted them myself and then with the witness of two others, without any acknowledgement of what they did. When the truth comes out, there will be opportunity to rejoice.

July, 2016:

I watched the movie the Waterboy this afternoon. I don’t know why I got this feeling but I was so empowered and felt like never giving up. I’m feeling like this a lot lately. Something my roommate said last night reinforced in my heart this feeling of assured salvation. Life gets very stressful. Everyday, there will be trials that seem like mountains to climb. Life is difficult. For the follower of the Way, it is going to be more difficult. We’re able to face through this because of the great and sure promises of our God in love and faith. Through it all, we can be certain of our salvation and secured futures. Life gets really difficult sometimes, especially with a foundation as toxic as my own. Life greatly interferes with our spirits. “For the corruptible body weighs down the soul, and this earthly dwelling presses many thoughts upon the mind” (Wisdom 9:15). I always remind myself of the vision I have in my mind of the time I spent in the spirit in heaven. But, in spite of this amazing and paramount spiritual love the Father has lavished on us, if we can’t comprehend the concept of love in its basest, physical terms, it’s going to be difficult to accept the spiritual. If our earthly fathers mistreat us, it’s going to be difficult to learn to love and open up completely to our Heavenly Father. One thing that is constant through every trial and every poor foundation is the FACT that our God loves us. His love increases for those who stray from His will for them. Because He wants the very best for every single one of us. I’m feeling amazing lately. There’s a lot of stress I am facing. The degree of which, in years past, I would have crumbled. I feel loved. I feel so loved. I’m walking down the street, smiling and saying stuff like ‘what a beautiful day’. I’m not doing this to be sarcastic. I don’t know why anyone might think something like that. But I felt it important to include. I just don’t know what else to say. It’s difficult to see now but this is all leading to something greater. I empathize with your reaction. I just praise God every day for His great mercy and love. And for the fact that there is still a chance to glorify Him as He so rightly deserves. I am feeling so loved. It took an awful lot to get my heart to open up but I am so grateful for that. There’s that. This is a personal reflection. It’s unfair that satan should still be tempting me with the weight of the accumulation of trauma over my life. It’s unfair that I am being punished for not being able to overcome this because I was suffering. Because I felt unworthy because of the nature and severity of the crimes against me. It’s unfair that I did not feel worthy enough to liberate myself in light of all of the promises God offered me. It’s unfair that I did not feel worthy only because of how I was treated. I remember saying once that even the biggest and strongest of animals, if it’s mistreated enough, will learn to lower its head to every interaction. In spite of this, I am learning to love again. I couldn’t be happier. Please keep your hearts open. Have patience. I called York U today because I am finally taking steps towards moving forward with one of my life goals. I might have to go back to high school but I am wanting to go to school for Astro Physics. This is something I have wanted to do for decades. I do not regret the degree I received. And I made good use of it, I think. But, this is what I have always wanted to do. Again, if it is God’s will, I will achieve this. Knowing that God does and always has wanted me to be happy, encourages me. I will get started on this path in any case. I want to say that I understand your reactions. Wait for truth. There will be nothing to be angry at when the truth emerges. You’ll know God is with you. Don’t allow the world and things that are happening here to distort or confuse your understanding of love. “But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded” (2 Chronicles 15:7). I have faith in that. I will never lose faith in that. Blessings.

July, 2016:

I’m having a great day! I seem to have this desire to just smile. I went to church today at McCaul and prayed the Rosary afterwards. The theme for the Mass homily this week is based on readings from 1 Kings and the Gospel of Luke that are focussed on love and expressing it boldly. I am going to try very hard to incorporate this into my daily life. For I know that I need to humble myself a bit. You can have the sweetest voice and proclaim a very powerful message, but if you don’t have love, you are a clanging gong. I am working very hard. I promise this will not end badly. I need to remember the part of myself that is charitable and generous. I need to remember Christ. At the moment, it is pretty difficult to walk. I bought new shoes today. Had anyone seen my old shoes they would think they had been through battle. One of them at least. I am realizing, more clearly, the fact that my sexuality is filled with shame. I met with my counselor at the Gatehouse today. I realized after telling him some stuff just how deep the shame runs for me. I told him about a memory I have scarce shared with anyone, which makes me feel shame on two accounts. First, that I should be the victim of this sort of crime. And second, that I should be at an age where I should have been able to protect myself, but was completely incapacitated. I corrected a few thoughts I had after this. That I should not feel badly for wanting intimacy, passion and pleasure in my body. The concept and feelings surrounding sexuality are very hurt. In that I am afraid of allowing myself to be vulnerable completely because of the abusive nature with which all of those feelings, perceived to me, were allowed to break out of control. I realized also, with his help that after what I have been through and with what I am up against, I am doing pretty well. It may not seem like it. But I think I am doing very well. I’m still feeling pretty great about myself. I have a lot to thank for that. Most of all, I am just changing my perspective. You don’t have to be always happy to be grateful. You can be grateful in stressful times too. Praise God for life. I choose life. I choose light. I regret that I didn’t feel worthy enough to live to my potential earlier. And that I was not able to love. And that I was unable to start healing sooner. I regret that I was unable to overcome because I didn’t feel worthy of life, love and hope. By God, I will.

July, 2016:

I sang in the choir last night. It was a great experience. There were only a few other people singing but still I sat in the second row, away from the microphones because I know I am not the best singer. The sisters who sing in the choir with me encouraged me and invited me to sing in the front pew. So I went up front. Another man joined at that point to sing. He hadn’t any practice because he came late. The way he sang was really cool and he picked up on the songs very quickly. I have been feeling incredible since I returned from Niagara. Never doubt what a little bit of love can do. Don’t doubt what love can heal. I’m sad that it has taken me this long to realize that. But I am absolutely understanding, knowing the nature and duration of what I was put through. I did the best I could and have triumphed against this crippling fear. I only wonder what would have happened had I had told sooner what was happening to me; what would have happened had I had learned to open my heart sooner. God knows. But I can conjecture. No regrets. Only a few regrets. Beautiful people. I’ve been feeling on a cloud since I returned. I’ve noticed myself setting clear boundaries and standing up for those boundaries. I am finding myself walking down the street praising God lately. Especially after church. Saying stuff like ‘What a beautiful life’ and being very grateful. I am still reading Scripture daily and going to Mass as much as I can.

A Note:

Things seem to be happening a lot over the past couple of days, which are encouraging me greatly. I think my memory is pretty reasonable. A couple of days ago, a gentleman with whom I lived in university, who I hadn’t seen in four or five years saw me across the street on Finch ave. I recognized him immediately as he was waving. I nodded and I approached him. When he asked me to remind him of my name, I remembered his name and announced it. He seemed pleased that I should remember his name. I even remembered in what program he was studying. Well, I thought he had taken Sociology. He took Anthropology. He is doing well and asked me to search for him on facebook. I looked but couldn’t find him. Yesterday, I went to the casino again. I’ll come back to that. But the minute I sat down at the poker table, a guy I hadn’t seen in probably close to fifteen years. He recognized me initially and said hi. The minute I saw him, I recognized him and his name. It was awesome to see him and we spoke on facebook afterward. I don’t intend to go back to the casino for a while. When I went in Niagara, I came away with money and last night at Rama I lost a bit of cash, not much but enough to leave an effect. What bothered me the most about this was that I was playing very conservatively. I was playing pretty well. It’s good to have fun every once in a while. I believe that this is not what God wants for me right now. I don’t know entirely at the moment whether people believe me. I wish you could see how incredibly painful for me it is to be called crazy. It’s revictimizing to have truth so obscured. At the same time, I need to be understanding of your perspective. And it’s not your fault. Believe me, I understand. I am praying a lot lately. I pray before and after entering the Word. I am trying to make prayer more of a continual habit. I want to keep my prayers between myself and God. Just to say that I have noticed a shift in my prayer. You’ve all been through so much. Just remember that there is a reason. The right thing will happen. Truth will come out.

July 2, 2016:

I am so grateful for pretty much everything right now. Even in people’s skepticism right now, I am grateful. I am grateful for this because it is going to make the truth so much more valuable. Praise God for life! I’m going to paint a couple more paintings. One is going to be an image of a lion. The other, a creative perspective of heaven. Also, I’m going to paint Daniel in the prison cell surrounded by lions. Went golfing today. Played well. Good to see my buddy Eric. Going to church right now. Afterwards, I’ll go to the gym! I am thankful for my sufferings and trials and tribulations. I am thankful for the things that have hurt me because they have shaped me strongly into the man I am today. And I am very proud of the man I am today. I will rejoice in my sufferings because they will bring my King and Savior, Jesus Christ glory. Praise His name. I am thankful for another day in which I lived and shone in the light of God. I tried my best at least. I am thankful that He has opened my heart one more time – one last time. God deserves to be glorified in this. Who am I? I am only a servant just like the other saints. I understand how this can be discouraging. I am trying to be understanding as well. This is not easy on me. Please be patient. The right thing will happen for all.

A Note:

Something is different today. I am noticing that a lot of people are kind of laughing at me. It’s like when they see me, they smirk and look away really quickly. Most people seem not to notice me, which is nice to a degree. But I am feeling like I have done something wrong again. It’s difficult for me to gauge what others are thinking. What I have is my conscience and the Spirit. Please know that whatever it is, I just want to do the right thing. I’m just saying that it is very understandable to me that there are a lot of limitations that I have after living through so much trauma. This is not an excuse. It’s a reason. You already know I want to. But I may not be able to do some things in the way that healthy people are able to. I’m just asking you to have reasonable and appropriate empathy. Here’s a thought for you. Everybody has the capacity to suffer on equal levels in this world. Though, some suffer a great deal more than others. Would we expect a person with no legs to ‘run’ a race? That’s preposterous. Certain things happen to people, which prevent them from doing other things as efficiently. That doesn’t mean that they don’t want to. Though they have not stopped them from trying, they just have physical or emotional or even psychological limitations because of experiences that have shaped them. Okay, it’s a complicated thought. But I hope you get the picture. Last weekend was a great break from reality. I’m back now. Whatever happens, know that there is a bigger reason. There is a reason for this. I have faith that everything will make sense. Please keep faith and know that God is in control. Keep faith in that the truth will be revealed. This is not entirely about me. Starting a fast today. Have been abstinent for three days. Want to keep moving forward. The number of days, 1260 Revelation 11, 12 are not coincidences. But I want very much to do the right thing for God and for your world. I will pray for discernment. There is a reason. There is a reason but not an excuse for why this is taking so long. I hope that reason will be made clear. I am so sorry. Please know that whatever happens, I have always wanted the best thing for God and for you. What you deserve will be brought to you. I am praying always. Remember, there has to be a reason to rejoice. There will be a reason to rejoice. I am proud to have nourished and to have built my foundation of faith in an evangelical church. I’m proud of this because it has helped me to nurture my faith in grace. Works follow. Once you realize you are loved. When you love someone, you will do things to show them your love. Still, there’s no incorrect way. I know we have all been through a lot. We’ve been mistreated, victims of great injustices. We have to nurture our foundations; we have to fill our hearts with truth, with the Gospel. So that we can react in love. Sometimes, the choices we make are not choices at all. Rather, they’re reactions based on the accumulations, of love or of fear, in our hearts. This is a reason children need love. This is why we need to love one another. And to saturate our hearts with love and Truth of the Gospel. I feel positive in saying I have been very reasonable to everyone over the past at least week. I talk to myself. I do it when I am stressed to self-soothe. But I am trying hard to say positive things. Look for the positive in life, others and circumstances. Life is pretty difficult. This needs to be done. I wish I could have been stronger so that it could have been avoided. When the truth comes out, I hope you will understand. I’m strong enough. This will not end badly.

June 21, 2016:

I’m back from Niagara. I had an amazing time. I don’t intend to write about a lot of the experiences I had there. Waiting allows a relationship to grow so that God can be the focus of the relationship. Though we need, I think, to examine each situation with love and respect. I deserve to be happy, if God says that. God has encouraged me to be happy my entire life. Remember, you cannot forget that God is above all, a loving Father to they who also love Him. Remember that. I went to confession for my conscience. Though I believe I am forgiven already as a follower of Christ, confession is very useful. I believe in this case, allowing my heart to open was the right thing. I deserve to be happy with my childhood. I’m alive. Even though a part of me has died. High five to life, seriously. Concept of intimacy doesn’t feel normal to me. It seems foreign to me that sex and physical love could be positive. My aversion is clearly understandable to me at least. Even with something good and normal, like water, if a young boy from a very young age was continually shamed for his desire to drink it and nearly drowned as a response, it is obvious that that boy will grow up with an unhealthy view of both his need for the life sustaining substance and of it in general. As a testimony. It feels as though an entirely new gender has appeared overnight. Love feels different than abuse. I am overwhelmingly grateful for being able to open my heart. And I am so grateful for the woman with whom it happened. I couldn’t be happier. Still after this week, I reflected, regretting over the relationships and experiences I was not able to experience because I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to. I am very sad that now that I am able to date and have a friendship, I lost two of the most beautiful women I have ever known. I can’t believe that I let them go. What I really can’t believe is how much effort they put into trying to get me to open up. But another thing accepting that feeling of love and acceptance is doing for me is showing me that I have to treat myself with gentleness and respect as well. I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to show these two women how much I loved them. And I did love them, legitimately. I think I still do. I love a lot of people for their ability to see hope in me when everybody wanted to give up. I hope these women are happy. You are and will always be in my heart. I am sorry this is taking so long. I understand your frustration. I am frustrated with myself as well. Don’t deny people’s ability to change. We are not our pasts unless our past bridges into our present. It’s clear to me how a set of crimes so serious, in one’s development would influence the path on which they build their lives. I don’t entirely know what I have done to upset people lately. If you’re looking to my past for bad things, there will not be a shortage. All of which, I am prepared to stand accountable for. I’m sorry for a lot in my life. I have to continue to build on the love of God that I know fills my heart. There is a reason for all of this. Know that everything will happen as it is meant to, for the best of all. I hope this will make sense to you soon. Truth will come out.

June 17, 2016:

Today, I am off to Niagara to spend the weekend with a friend. Pretty excited. I’m getting there a bit early so I can spend some time in the casino. That isn’t the focus of the weekend. I’m going because I really appreciate my friendship with this person. This morning I awoke to the sound of birds chirping at my window. It was beautiful. On the bus, I read three chapters of 1 Corinthians and prayed the Rosary. I’m feeling great. We’ve lost perspective on a lot of things these days. With love, I want to encourage you to try not to lose yourself in focussing on the rights of and being sure not to offend one group at the cost of the rights of another group. We need to remember/we cannot ignore the fact that groups of millions are being slaughtered and oppressed overseas. We cannot lose touch with who needs our help and what it really means to suffer. We cannot lose touch with the Word of God. The Gospel is true. But we have to remember that each book was written at different times, with different cultural beliefs. The Gospel is true. There is a reason for everything in the Bible. But we have to approach everything with an attitude and stance of love and compassion. We need to look at things with compassion and love. While maintaining the integrity of the Truth of the Word of God. We need to stop and assess each situation and ask what our Lord would do in the same situation. Sometimes, truth does not have to encompass everything. Truth is what God says is Truth. Because that Truth is comprised of the facts that we need to know then, which are beneficial for us then. I am not crazy. Physical and social symptoms speak for themselves. Truth will certainly come out. I will not stop speaking truth. There is a reason truth is so obscured and the darkness has become strong. I continue to remind myself that your reaction and disbelief is understandable. Wait for truth. Then there will be opportunity to rejoice. Truth will come out.

June 16, 2016:

Today, I have done a bit of trading. I’m learning well. I am going to the gym this evening. I am going to use the bag. I’m feeling loosened up right now. My roommate showed me this yoga stretch that is helping to stretch out my upper back. Through everything I have the choice to be grateful. I’m feeling a bit of anxiety right now. But, overall I am feeling great. Tomorrow, I’ll go to Niagara. I’m meeting a friend there. It will be very nice to see her. We’re going to see a concert. I’ll try to write a blog entry on my online blog over the next couple of days. Today, I am grateful that my God loves me. And truly, there is nothing I could do to separate myself from His great love because of the sacrifice of Christ Jesus. Praise God for His mercy and love. Praise God for the fact that He doesn’t show favoritism and His love is complete. I have faith in knowing that He will provide justice and salvation. All have hope. All knees will bow. Praise God for His love.

June 14, 2016:

I’ve been living partially with my head in the sand. I just discovered what happened in Orlando. I will write about this tomorrow. I’m not oblivious to what’s happening in the world. I see what is happening and it makes me weep. A man targeted the LGBT community because he thought they were evil. Regardless of your beliefs, orientation, nationality, I am certain that you are in the love of God. God loves you and values you beyond anything else. For the love of God extends to all creatures. “Then Peter began to speak: “I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts from every nation the one who fears him and does what is right. You know the message God sent to the people of Israel, announcing the good news of peace through Jesus Christ, who is Lord of all.” (Acts 10:34-36). All were created in the image of God. This event in Orlando is not an isolated event. This sort of stuff is happening all across the world. “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” (Romans 14:19). Everyone is deserving of dignity, deserving of life. We need to hold fast to our convictions that have built us to where we are. Freedom, respect. We need to hold fast to our conviction that God is a god of love and justice and peace. I’ve been praying for days for what happened in Orlando. For the souls involved. More than this, I’ve been praying for the entire world and for the areas that are not as widely reported on. I’ve been praying for this world. But I have faith in a coming world where there will not be all of this pain and all of this suffering. People don’t deserve to suffer and to feel hurt, neglected and shame. Only a little while longer. Have faith. Remember humility. Pride is what caused Satan and many of the angels to fall and to create these lies and deception and pain and suffering and evil. I had a bagel yesterday. I was going to order a pizza. Instead, I went to Tim Horton’s and got a lightly buttered bagel. Proud of my choice. When I got home, I planned on cooking some pasta. I ate pineapples instead. Proud of my choice. I ate a small pizza today. I am willing to stand accountable. I am not prepared to hide truth. I said something that clicked with me a while ago. I said that I am not able to remember the majority of conversations I have had in my life. Meanwhile, I am able to remember the layout of nearly every building I have been in. I thought of the book I am writing now about my experiences in Iceland. When an experience or period of time is too painful to cope with, a strategy the mind employs is to block out the experience. When a person’s entire life is like this, memories will be clouded. When you teach a developing person this is the only reality that exists, they will struggle in a lot of ways. On the same note, I was opening up and in the Spirit when I said most of the things I said on that trip. This is why it is easier for me to remember the dialogue. I remembered very well and remember having processed the themes of the conversations afterwards because they were important to me. God doesn’t necessarily need, but absolutely deserves to be glorified in all of this. There will be reason to rejoice after some time. Remember what I said before this began. There may be a period of darkness and trial. But after, things will make sense. Don’t forget what I have done and said. Truth is obscured now. These are traumatic truths. Things will make sense soon. Sometimes, the choices we make are not choices at all. Rather, they’re reactions based on the accumulations, of love or of fear, in our hearts. This is a reason children need love. This is why we need to love one another. And to saturate our hearts with love and Truth of the Gospel. Most powerful words of spiritual warfare: “God loves me.” Things never happened as they were meant to occur. Things rarely happen as we expect. But I promise you, with all of my love for God through Christ Jesus that things will get better. I know how little sense this must make. I have to follow my conscience. When the truth is revealed. The biggest thing I regret in my life is that I was unable to accomplish God’s will for my life sooner. And to disclose what was happening to me from the beginning. Resulting from my inability to speak the truth, my life has been difficult. The accumulation of trauma was really starting to affect every aspect of my humanly body. Remember the Beatitudes. Blessed are those who struggle in this life. These will be rewarded. I have certain faith that my God and my Lord will accompany me to rest. There will be rebirth. I was far from perfect. I hope you will remember my fasts, my trips to the gym and my painting and writing. And, I pray that your society is able to benefit from my life, my faith and my wisdom (in the few things I have said). But most of all, from the revelation of this secret. Remember the Truth that you are made in the image of God. You are showered with so much love. It’s simply a matter of a choice to open your eyes, to see it and to accept it. Your world is hurting at the moment. I feel as if you’re strong to handle that truth. But you can never deny or doubt your right to exist, your right to flourish and to bless others with everything you have worked so hard to achieve. Do not give up. I have firm belief that there will be strong leaders to come to show you the way. There is no reason your precious societies should have to be subjected to these sorts of terror. There is no reason people should lose their lives at the hands of such brutal attacks against freedom, love and diversity. Remember what God represents. God is love. But we need to keep faith in His wrath that is coming, which will provide righteous justice. Do not place your hope in the hands of one man. Unless that man is Christ Jesus. Hope for the future, hope for change and rejuvenation of your world is in your hands. We can no longer be silent. You can never deny or doubt your right to freedom and to love. Always remember that you are beautiful creatures, created from a God who is in love with your every move. Always remember that you have the choice. You do not have to react. You have the choice to understand the choice between light and dark.

June 13, 2016:

I went to the gym again a couple of days ago. I guess I am being too hard on myself with exertion on the bag. My back felt like it was under vice grips. For a reason I couldn’t hit as hard as I have been in the past. I assumed that I have been going too hard. I need to give my body a time to break and heal. Part of loving ourselves comes as we are able to identify needs that our body has like hunger, thirst and fatigue and responding to them appropriately. As a result of going to the gym, I have been getting to sleep sooner, which is a positive thing. I played golf yesterday. It was a great game. My friend Spence played really well. It was a very, very difficult course under the conditions. The wind was at times, 35 + m/ph. The best hole for me was 17. It was a 260 yard par 4. I skulled my drive and it skirted along the rough and ended up about 113 yards from the green. But I had a great view of the pin, which was tucked away in behind a bunker. My approach shot, I used a nine iron and thought I mishit it but the wind took it right back to the green. The ball landed at the front of the green and rolled all the way back to about five feet from the hole. I sank the putt for a birdie. Today, I am feeling humbled. I had a difficult night last night. I went to my buddy, Rob’s place. But after, I just felt very depressed. I went to a nice Korean restaurant and had a nice meal. I did this in spite of the fact that my fast had been going well. After this, I felt so badly about myself. I went to the convenience store and bought a box of thin oreos. I went to the games room and played games for about an hour. I can’t stop thinking about the people who I have hurt. I am sincerely praying for them. I am feeling so badly about this and I know what I deserve in spite of the fact that I was very much a child when I did these things and what was happening to me when I did them. I’m feeling very troubled. I really need to focus on my self-betterment, which really is all I have been doing for the past seventeen years. It’s a never ending journey. Don’t deny people’s ability to change though. I am absolutely different than I was when I did these things. I am changing positively daily. I am fasting today. In addition, I have remained abstinent for the past nine days. I’m having a lot of spiritual attacks in my sleep. I am fighting this. I downloaded an app called Shut Up, Devil. It’s a great little app for maintaining the armor of Christ under attack. It’s helped me a number of times shift my focus back to the love of God. Please remember what I am claiming to have been through. Don’t forget the injury I went through. Trauma accumulation affects our physical well-being as well. This manifests in a lot of ways. Anyways, last night, I told my roommate I would help him with his essay. I hope I was able to help him. I was tired and my thoughts were scattered. My other roommate gave me his essay to read. It’s very good. This morning, I was exiting Saint Patrick subway station when I saw a woman who was struggling with her bag going up the stairs. I offered her help and she replied that it I had my own problems, respectfully. I insisted and helped her with her bag up the stairs. I seem to be making money again after my little disaster with trading. Keep faith. This will end well. Continuation: I am feeling very stressed right now. I went to church today. I wept after taking the Host. I feel very unworthy of the sacrifice that Christ paid for me. I deserve it. I deserve it because of my faith. I feel so unworthy though. Afterwards, I entered the bar across the street. On entering, a couple of people stared at me as I stood at the entrance waiting to be seated. I felt bad about this. Probably unnecessarily. Maybe they were simply curious. And when the waitress came, I asked her to tell the couple I was sorry for standing next to them as they were eating. I hope I said it politely. If not, it’s only because of the way the injury has affected my speech. The waitress assured me that it would have been understandable that I would be standing there. I ordered a veggie burger and fries because I was so hungry. Then, I remembered my fast. I won’t eat the burger but will pay for it. I am trying very hard to be nice and courteous. I am going to the Gatehouse this evening. I promise this will make a lot more sense soon. This is not entirely about me anymore. I have faith that God will glorify me as I deserve in accord with the truth. Truth will come out. Of this I am certain. I’m not oblivious to what is happening in the world. I’m so sorry. Things are going to work for the best of all involved. Keep faith and strong in truth. This afternoon, I ate a bit. I had a seaweed salad, edamame beans and a vegetable soup after my session at the Gatehouse. My fast is going well. I offered the burger and fries I had bought to a man downtown. Going to go to bed early. I am grateful for a caring and compassionate Father and for a caring and compassionate world. Keep faith in the future. I truly feel as though people just need to be shown that they are loved, unconditionally, by a perfect and awesome God. I love this world. I weep that it’s taken me this long to realize. I just have to remember, all the time that after the trial, however big it is, things will get better. I just have to overcome and fight it straight on. Keeping faith in the Christ the whole time. “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world” (John 16:21). I feel it’s necessary to express these negative feelings. We cannot simply repress them. Because when we do that, they affect upon us in less clear ways. It’s not a bad thing to feel and to hurt. I am not ashamed to feel my feelings because they’re a reaction of what I have been through. It has allowed me to see myself with love and to start to treat others with love and respect. It has allowed me to think before I speak or do things. We’re all troubled with impulses. It has allowed me to rejoice in my sufferings and what I have been through. It has allowed me to praise who I am today. It has allowed me to find happiness and joy in myself. But the scars still exist. I pray for the right thing to be done. For whatever needs to be done to bring God’s will to fruition. As I am allowing myself more and more to trust His love, with the forgiveness that I have fortified in my heart, I am more and more affirming my sense of being as a servant. I realize that I have struggled much in my purpose. I am asking you to have empathy, compassion and understanding, like God has, knowing how much I have been through and what exactly I was up against. I should have tried harder. I keep telling myself this. Knowing that I have tried my hardest the entire time. Whatever God crowns me with now, I am happy. However God wants to use my life, I am content. I am just so sorry to all of you. I know that things will get better if you just hold on to your tender faiths. This life can get better for all of you first. Please don’t forget that this is because of what I have been through. There is wisdom in that. If not to be wisdom and insight made full, there is that. And I know that the right thing will happen still. Either way, the truth will be made known. I encourage you with a gentle heart that it is not against the gospel to help those who are legitimately hurting. But I know you know that. You have all shown me so much love, much more than I deserve, especially when I revealed to you my experiences. I will never forget that. The way everyone, people of every religion, gender, race and age treated me with tenderness. We all just need to understand to have empathy. My story is not the worst. The reason I say this is because I want to encourage you. If people can have empathy for me, knowing my story. We can have empathy and compassion for everyone else, without knowing their story. But just knowing that life isn’t the greatest to any of us at all of the time. Don’t forget the way your hearts have been touched deeply in your lives. And seek out these experiences. Remember, we are all human beings. We all suffer greatly. This can be a matter which unites us greatly as a community. It doesn’t have to tear us apart. I wish I had someone to tell me what others are thinking. I rely on my conscience, in the Spirit. I have faith that truth will come out.

June 11, 2016:

I have absolute faith that the truth will come out. I know it’s the right thing to do. I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again: You might get a surprise. There will be space to rejoice. Not because of me. I know I am going to have to prove myself to you. But when the truth comes out… Because of truth. After church, during the announcements, there was a woman who was fundraising for Steubenville, a Christian oriented worship night. I’ve been to some before but not this one. I assume there will be worship, prayer and readings. It’s for youth. I sponsored a child to go to the event, donating 200$. I hope they’ll have a great time. I’m going to the gym now. Seriously love this. I can feel the testosterone flowing. Which is always difficult for me to deal with. Next weekend, I’m going to Niagara Falls to see my friend Donna. We’ll see a concert. Can’t wait. Off to the gym…

June 10, 2016:

I woke a little depressed today. Actually I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I spent some time investing and learning about it. I watched a movie from the eighties called Heavenly Kid. It’s about a guy who dies in a car race, enters the afterlife and then is assigned a mission for his soul to be ready for heaven. His mission is to help, who he doesn’t know then is his son, show him that he is worthy and deserves a life. His son is being bullied a lot and isn’t really clear about a lot in his life. It ends well. I had a flashback when watching this of the first time I remember seeing this. It was at the family cottage. I empathized with the son at the beginning. Anyways, I’m realizing the importance, though it has been a skill I have had much time to develop, of understanding the power of my thoughts. Especially of filtering the bad ones. I have been in a constant struggle throughout my life challenging negative thoughts with the instinctive fear and shame that I’ve developed my self-beliefs around. I’m not going to be depressed. Working out in the mornings knocks me out for the rest of the day. But I think I am going to give it a try. See if it affects me in the long run. I was having a lot of difficulty this afternoon when I left the house. I was feeling as though people were upset with me. When I feel like this, it’s difficult for me to distinguish the difference between people’s perceptions of what I have done as opposed to who I am. I internalize a lot of negative stuff. Understandably so. I’m working on it. Then I realized that it was more about me and how I feel that I internalize these messages. You ever have headphones on and for a split second get the feeling that people are talking about you. It lasts for a couple of seconds tops. But it’s enough to seriously mess up your day. Hope you can understand how difficult it is for me to humble myself. I know I am as in need of divine forgiveness as anyone else. I hope you will understand. I believe I am doing the right thing. Day five or six abstinent. Fast was kind of disrupted this morning. I will start again now. I am at Starbucks right now. I am drinking a bottle of water as opposed to coffee. This fast, I will not drink green tea. The caffeine though it was probably helping my weight loss, was distracting from my purpose. I believe in myself. I believe in my God. To understand what I have done, you have to take into context what I have experienced. If I am right, there will be corroboration. Truth will come out. There is a reason I was chosen. Though, I understand some things are going to change now, there was a reason God had compassion on my suffering. He saw what I was up against in my past. As right of a thing to do as this may be, (and I know that everything will make a lot more sense soon) in my case I feel as though it’s all a bit unfair. I suppose that someone has to come forward and take a stand. Everything I have been through has shaped the man I was and am. As messed up as that is, I’m proud of who I have become with the sanctifying and perfecting (not perfect-making) love of Christ. I was up against a lot in this life. I know things will make sense. I went to a restaurant after the gym this evening. I will start my fast tomorrow. It was good for me to work out this evening. When I got there, someone was on the bag. So I did all of my weights first and then went to the bag. I started off with chest press. I pushed 175lbs 8x, 145 12x and 130 12x. Doing this took some of my power away from the bag later. But I was still able to spend about fifteen minutes with breaks on it. Tomorrow, I will go to church. I will go to confession first. There’s a bit I need to speak about. I know I am doing the right thing. I am feeling strong and grounded right now. Knowing that whatever happens, God will be with me. Spence, my golf buddy wants to play on Sunday. Rob also wants to play settler’s. Have yet to decide whether I will go to the gym tomorrow morning or after church. We all have a great deal to look forward to. It can be difficult to see in the midst of darkness. We need to fight through that pain and fear. That way, we will attain the goal of our lives, the salvation of our souls. Don’t deny people’s ability to change. My sexuality is pretty shamed and damaged. I’m attracted to women. I believe that my wounds can still be healed. I just need to be able to trust. This is difficult because of some dynamics associated with the abuse. There is a reason for every single thing we do. It may not make sense to others. We need to stop acting out of defence and start acting in love. Towards ourselves and others.

June 9, 2016:

Continuation: I went to the casino today. It is 8PM and I am going home. I managed to make a couple hundred dollars. Walking away at this time in the day and up makes me feel good. I was smiling all the way onto the bus. In part because I was anxious I would miss the bus. But also because I had the feeling that it was productive. I feel this becoming habit again and I am going to be careful about that. I’m not going to say that this is going to be the last time I will go. Only that I intend to be more frugal. This is one thing that trading commodities and futures is really teaching me. Showing me how to manage my money and the desire to profit. When I was at the poker table, a really beautiful Asian woman sat down next to me. She smiled at me and the game continued for a while. After a bit, I started to comment on her hands and make small talk. She was very responsive and smiled and laughed a lot. I’m not under the illusion that this was going anywhere. But, this connection made me feel alive for a moment. It was the first time in a while that I actually acknowledged my feelings of intimacy around a woman. It was the first time I didn’t cringe in triggering fear. It was beautiful. Today is going to be the final time for a while at least that I will do stuff like this. Tomorrow, I am going to start working out and fasting. You never know what is going to happen tomorrow. I choose life. This is for myself. I am grateful today, as I am always, for my incredible friendships. I am thankful for the time and effort they put into being my friend. I’m trying pretty hard to be a good friend to them as well. I am very thankful for the ability to speak truth. Even if it’s self-harming. It is connected to a much bigger picture. Today, I am grateful for despair and darkness. Because it is in the darkness where we can learn to value and appreciate the light. It’s shaping, forming for us the glory, which God has prepared for us.

June 8, 2016:

A couple of days ago, my day began and I got on the bus. I turned on my cell phone and at first got my normal back drop screen. I locked it only to open it up again a moment later. I have an app on my phone called Daily identity in Christ. This app was opened without my opening it and on the screen was the verse Romans 8:39. I found this intriguing to say the least. After reading the verse, I felt joy and assurance. “Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39). This made me really reflect over the life that I have lived. I don’t think that anyone can argue against that I have had a difficult life. Regardless of how bad things get, I am choosing to be grateful, knowing for a fact that God has loved me greatly, sacrificing a lot for me and everyone else. I know I will be rewarded according to what I deserve in accord with the truth. This afternoon, I had lunch with my roommate after which I left the house. I was seated on the steps outside when a woman walking a little pug dog walked past me. I smiled at the woman and as she walked away from me, the dog just kept trying to get over to me. She allowed it to walk to me and it came next to me and stood for me to pet it. Then, I spoke with the woman for a minute. The dog just sat in front of me. This made me feel so amazing. I know it’s a dog but it was really nice to feel that. It reminded me that I deserve love and that just because I was shown terrible things about myself through sexual behavior, in violent ways, I do deserve to be shown respect and love. I went to church afterwards. I feel I should go to confession. I will do this on Saturday. Saw a meme today saying that if something’s of God, it comes smoothly. If it’s not, there is a lot of confusion surrounding it. Though there are examples of that in Scripture, like the life of King David, most prophets of God live lives of struggle and tumult. The Apostles knew this well. We are meant to carry our Cross daily. Though God only intended the early years of my life to be difficult, I have continued to struggle because of disobedience. And that I was not able to overcome during that coma. I don’t deserve what is happening right now. None of you do. I hope they are able to accept the truth when it comes easily. “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” (Romans 8:24,25). I just want to assure you with my conscience that I am not lying. My conscience through the Spirit of God confirms it. And I will stand by the Truth of Jesus Christ until the end. I am going to the gym again this evening. I intend to vent all of my frustration that arises on the punching bag. I intend to get healthy again, as I have shown I have the dedication to myself before. I deserve that. Need to remember to stay vulnerable. I need to fight for myself. Knowing what I have been through. And that I am taking the initiative to confess my past behavior. Knowing what I have been through.

June 7, 2016:

I woke up this morning pretty depressed. I felt such a feeling of doom about my life, everything I have been through and everything that is culminating right now. I got pretty deep into these feelings. As time passed, I found myself brooding over what felt to me then like hopelessness. I questioned my worthiness of being saved. Then, I went to grab socks and underwear out of my closet. Doing this, I slipped and fell, my bicep being forced into the edge of a canvas. I got a bruise pretty bad. After this, I just held myself and nursed the very minor injury. It hurt then. What it did was remind me of my time that I spent in college. Smoking three packs of cigarettes a day, looking at porn all of the time, struggling sleeping. I couldn’t even walk because I was so busy hurting myself. And I reflected why I was doing that. I was doing that because I was internalizing all of the anger, shame, fear and other feelings and thoughts about what was being done to me, even at that point. I hated myself. Most certainly, I hated myself unjustly. I hated myself because it is the way I was treated. It was the way I was shown I was worth.. After this, I was thinking about the time I spent at the monastery in Georgia. The time when I was able to get a glimpse of just how much I was truly valued. Where I spent a week in the Word, in prayer, going to Mass and in silence. I have to continually remind myself as to why I quit smoking. That I deserve love and happiness. Most of all, that I deserve the love of God. I am trying to change my wording about things. I’m looking especially at dark times and times of trial as opportunities for growth and to shine a light that I know exists. I am trying to have compassion on myself, trying to be easy on myself. I am going to the gym today. I went yesterday as well. I want to go to Quebec with my church. There’s a pilgrimage that is going for a weekend in July. I have faith that things will end well. I know I am unworthy of many things from your world. I hope that you will be able to empathize with me at a point. I have faith that God will glorify me in accord with the truth. The biggest thing I am remembering today is that I am worthy. I am loved. And I am grateful. I have faith that the right thing will be done and that everything will end well. That there will be chance to rejoice. Please keep faith in God. And in His love for all of you. No matter how hard life gets, we can rely on the promises of God and the truth that He loves us. What we believe about ourselves will dictate how we act. We have to remember that we no longer have a reason to despair. We have so much reason to hope. When you realize you are a child of God, your actions will start to follow. The Spirit will help us to do great things, even miracles in this life. We have to learn to trust. God, if we allow ourselves to trust Him, can accomplish anything through us. “God loves us and wants so much for our love. Satan is the enemy. That one is the cause of all that is and has gone wrong in our world. A lot of us, myself included, spend our time and energy focussing on the negative things of this world that we sometimes forget why we embarked on this journey in the first place. I pray continually for our brothers and sisters who are being persecuted overseas. Of all faiths. We are brothers and sisters. We all share the uniting theme that we suffer. Remember Christ. What He did. Who He came for. And why He came. Don’t let your hearts harden. Was Christ condoning sexual immorality when protecting the woman caught in adultery? Or rather, did he choose to see a human being in need of help and of divine forgiveness? Love.” Went to the gym again today. I spent like fifteen minutes on the punching bag total. I am feeling very relieved. It reminded me of this post above. That when we bury our feelings, thoughts and emotions, they’ll continue to affect us in our daily lives. Anger is not a bad thing. It’s what we do with that anger that makes a difference. We need to learn to express repressed anger and other emotions in healthy ways. I want to remind myself that when I am having difficulty moving and struggle against something physically, I’m not being rude. That I have not lashed out for a long time now towards people who do not deserve this sort of treatment. I have to remember the great deal of hard work I put into changing that behavior. It was not only behavior. It was a symptom of complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I am trying to encourage when I say stuff. I am not trying to justify my own behavior. I am speaking the truth. I have to keep faith in myself. I have to stop looking to others to validate my worth. This is very much a coping mechanism. But, I need to remember the love of what has been done for us. I have to keep faith in the fact that I have changed. That I am completely different than I was even a month ago. I’m struggling so much physically right now. Because of stress. I hope that I was able to vent some of that on the bag today. Things may not make sense right now. You may not understand a lot of things now. You cannot take what I have done out of context from what was happening to me. I will keep encouraging. Keep faith. In God. And wait for truth. Truth will be revealed. There is a reason for all of this. Wait for truth…

June 5, 2016:

I’m not going to give up. I am choosing to be grateful. I know this changes some things. Rightfully so. I know what the right thing to do is. And I am doing it. I have faith that the truth will come out about what I have gone through. There is a reason this is so obscured. Remember, facts are different from truth, not always representing truth. I’ve got to keep conviction and faith in the truth of who I am and what I have been through. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote in this, journal about my ficus bonsai plant that got stressed out from the move and lost all of its leaves. I replanted it and for this whole time, the leaves haven’t returned. But, out of the soil, next to the plant, two shoots are growing. New life will grow. Maybe not in the way it is expected. But there will be rebirth. For me and for everyone else. Keep faith in God brothers and sisters. And wait for truth. I’m attracted to women. It’s complicated, the reason I can’t have a relationship with women. I was traumatized and I have not had the opportunity in this life to develop the faculties and skills that are expected and necessary to have one. Internal and social tools. I will not give up. I am not going to stop telling the truth. You know how I feel.

June 3, 2016:

I’m playing golf tomorrow at 6:30 Am. Looking forward to it! It’s always nice to be up so early. Today, I went to an internet cafĂ© where I watched videos about gratitude and the science of happiness. I also invested some time into learning further about investing, which is what I am doing a lot of right now. And making money at! I think it’s Psalm 100:4 that says to be thankful and show it. I have been learning to be grateful again with this journal. And believe me when I say that it has helped a lot. But there is one aspect of this gratitude issue that I have been neglecting. I want to start expressing gratitude a lot more. I remember when I first met my friends a lot of whom I still hang out with, I used to thank them and show my gratefulness that they were in my life. Not as much as I should have. But I made much more of an effort back then. Because I truly valued them and the efforts that they too were making. I want to remind myself that I am worthy of friends, happiness and love. But these things are not going to come without any cost. So to speak, they are free gifts that we give each other. But, we have to put effort into them as well. I am very thankful for everything in my life right now. Today, I saw a pair of pigeons who were coupling off, walking everywhere together and kissing each other. I am learning to love myself and that, I think, is a great foundation.

May 31, 2016:

I am feeling very strong and empowered today. Saturday was a great day. I played golf with my friend Eric in the early afternoon at a city course. I played pretty rough on the front nine and then did really well on the back nine. Eric played well too. We both had some amazing shots. The other guy we played with was really cool. He played well too. Later that night, I was invited to my buddy Rob’s place to play board games. I’ve missed a couple of days. So I have a bit to fill in on, journal. Last week or so, I called the cemetery I knew my grandmother was buried at. I was so happy when I found her grave. I had been praying about this for some time and wanting to visit for a while. Last Friday, in the evening I went to the cemetery. I brought a folding chair because I had planned to spend some time there. I also brought bird seed. When I was dropped off at the section and row where she was, I got out. I walked up and down the row two or three times, looking for her. I wasn’t able to find her grave. By this point, I was disappointed, imagining the operator at the cemetery to have given me the wrong location when I called. I went back up again the row. Maybe I’d missed it somehow. So, in an empty site, I unfolded the chair and sat. I prayed the Our Father and then simply sat and allowed myself to remember her. The memories I have of her, the concern and care. I remembered the good times and the bad. The love as well as the discipline. Which is a good thing. For love that is completely lucid, that doesn’t sternly direct and guide, is not love. I cried. I prayed the rosary after and laid some bird seed on the empty site. I walked away mourning. When I got to the street, I opened my chair and sat again. I called a cab. I had a conviction then to go back up and look in the row behind the one I was looking in. Lo, and behold, the fifth stone up, I found her grave. I was overjoyed. In a sorrowful way. I fell down next to the grave and wept for a minute. I prayed again for some time and then placed a bit of bird seed next to her grave and went back to wait for the cab. I got a call then, which told me that the cab was waiting for me but couldn’t enter the lot because the cemetery was closed. I grew anxious. It was getting dark. The cab said he was leaving. So I started walking toward the gate. Had this have happened in years past, I would have been terrified. At this point, it was night and I was locked in the cemetery. At the gate, I easily slid under and made arrangements for transport. I suppose I should have assumed that it would close. It was very worth it to spend over an hour with my beloved grandmother who, I believe, was there in spirit with me. I guess to understand some of this, you’d need to understand our relationship. She was such a beautiful soul. I miss her a lot. I had lunch with an elder at my old church last week as well. He is also very much a friend. His whole family have been so welcoming to me, having invited me over to special occasion dinners with their family. We had a nice lunch. But it became clearer to me the fact that I may have hurt the church in my leaving. He made it very clear to me that they missed me. I know I probably could have done this mission without leaving. I am sorry I couldn’t have been stronger. And my leaving certainly does not make you wrong or your faith less important. But I know I do not have to tell you that. I never meant to hurt anyone. Truth, when it comes will come in a way that is easy for you. I want to say that distance was an issue in my decision to leave. As well as the fact that living, or rather moving back to Markham was certainly not an option for me due to triggers and flashbacks of having lived there for much of my upbringing. I am, however, as I told my friend while I had lunch, finding family in my new church community. I am very grateful to have them and I believe that this has happened for a reason. That I have been guided to them. I don’t believe it was the wrong thing to do. I am always with you in the spirit. I am planning to return from time to time. Like I said, the friendships I formed at my old church were awesome. And I firmly believe that letting the Word fill my heart each day that I went there, strengthened my faith and gave me a strong foundation from which to stand. Again, I believe I did the right thing. I don’t feel as if I am being kept up to date with what is happening right now. I am very convinced that what I have done is the right thing to have done. For I know, no one has to tell me that I too have done some bad things in my life. But that it was perpetuated. Facts aside, stress influences greatly our ability to think clearly. I told the truth. Only a small part of it. But I told the truth. That just by being a human being and loving, turning my cheek and forgiving repeatedly, I was abused so much. We have to help ourselves. I had a new realization a couple of days ago, which leads me to believe that I was hurt again after the injury that happened to me. I know it has come to this because I was not strong enough to trust sooner. I am absolutely not looking for recognition. I want to say this with the most gentleness as I can: Don’t be deceived. Don’t be deceived by appeal to emotion. I’m sure the emotions are very real. It doesn’t change what happened. This may not make entire sense right now. I will keep encouraging. I have to follow my heart and what I believe very strongly is the right thing to do. Wait for truth. If it’s of God, truth will be revealed. The right thing will happen. The darkness is very strong right now. The symptoms (symptoms and not character traits – in most of us) speak for themselves. Truth will be revealed. Without truth, what effect will my forgiveness have? I’m not going to give up. I love myself and I feel I am doing the right thing. Wait for truth… Just because it’s obscured right now, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I have faith God will glorify me as I deserve, in accord with the truth. I thank God for friends in times like these. No matter how bad things may get, I always have the love of Christ to fall back on. I’m going to the gym now. Feeling like I have abandoned myself in childhood by isolating myself from intimacy. With what I was going through. Area in my life I am very torn about. I cried a little last night at how sex was used so shamefully against me. I think it has to happen a lot, there has to be a lot of violations for a man to simply give up this human drive and need. It’s very much about trust and also about repulsion. Every time I get into a situation where I have the opportunity to be intimate, I’m triggered immediately back to something one of my abusers did. Mourning loss is healing. I am glad I was able to feel through this. I find myself procrastinating a lot when I am stressed out. When I feel stress I isolate myself and push away people who support and love, even things that would make me feel good. I’m pretty sure that this has a lot to do with the dynamics of love in my childhood and the way it was shown to me. You’re not animals. You are made in the image of God. However you choose to interpret that, I want you to take from it that you are beautiful. You are spiritual. You are precious gifts. You are all cherished in the eyes of God. We are not animals. Is a lion evil because it rips a gazelle to shreds? The difference is we have choice. On Sunday, on my way to church with my new roommate, I saw a mutual friend of mine and Michelle’s. We spoke for a minute on the street and then I wrote her on facebook after asking her what she was doing. She asked if I still spoke to Michelle. I told her every once in a while I speak to her on facebook too. She said she talked to Michelle recently and said she is doing well and enjoying herself in Australia. I miss her so much. It sounds silly because I didn’t know her that well. But she’s very important to me. I know that much definitely. I guess that knowing she was in Canada gave me the hope of having coffee with her when we were able to find time. Maybe something could have grown. Who knows? I seem to be making some money now. Hope to make it to Australia someday soon. I hope she knows how great a person she is. I’m just very glad she’s happy. I find the faith of my new roommate very inspiring. He’s a really cool guy and has an inspiring history. Last night, a guy at Yonge and Queen, riding his bike past me was shouting obscenities. I turned to look and he was looking at me. Moments earlier, I gave a woman seated on the sidewalk some money. I assumed that this guy was upset about this. I told him to have a pleasant day and continued walking. It still bothered me a bit. Then, at Finch bus terminal, I was walking out of the station when a guy smoking looked at me as I was walking and said, “What the fuck happened to you?” I asked him to repeat himself and he said the same thing. I just lowered my head and continued to walk. I guess I was a little reminded of the guy earlier that day and just assumed he was upset. At the street, I turned to look at him and he was staring at me intently, talking to himself and spitting. I offered him a thumbs up and continued to walk. Whatever way I look at it, he had no reason to be upset. Nor did I, nor could I have done anything to upset him. It was clearly his problem. I was confused and looked back as I was entering a building and he was still looking at me, talking to himself and spitting. I’m sure that this didn’t have to do with the fact that I just didn’t answer him. The way he asked threw me off. Genuinely interested people don’t ask questions like that. I don’t owe him a response. Use reason in judging things like these. It’s over. This is Truth: God is perfect; just, love, truth and peace. Satan, the father of lies offers only destruction. He is the one who leads men to sin, who leads men to kill each other and to lie. This is the struggle: the continual wrestle between sin and love. Sin is the destruction of mankind, we need to do everything we can to rid it from our lives. Because though God is an understanding God, He is perfectly holy and cannot be surrounded by sin. Life affects us all. Unprocessed suffering and pain hinders our desire to repent and no matter how much we try, if we are in places of hurt and sin, we cannot repent. But it is our responsibility to resolve the darkness in our lives. Because there is no excuse for sin. When I think of that, I see the idea more as being that God deserves better than that. God deserves our love, honor and worship. Things may seem like they’re struggling at the moment. But with God, everything works together for the good. Sometimes not in the ways you’d expect. But truth will be revealed. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault. This is all very re-traumatizing for me. I’m finding myself feeling very censored and ashamed at the moment of my right to speak and have opinions. You know how I feel about what they did to me. In spite of this, I will be grateful and thankful, knowing how much I have to be thankful for. I don’t entirely know what I have done to upset people at the moment. I know I am doing the right thing in seeking accountability.