I think a lot of people still view me as the man I used to be. Most of the things I used to do, the bad things, the stealing, the lying, the pornography and hurting myself, the symptoms, I haven’t done for years. I can’t tell you how painful, how incredibly shaming and stressful it is to continually have to defend the way I was – most of which happened when I was a child, mind you – when that life was suffering so much. Everything I was doing was a masque to cope with very big feelings that I couldn't cope with on my own. Don’t deny people’s ability to change. Let me say that again: I was a child. When a child does these sort of things, it is a blatant indication that something else is happening. Children are not born bad. My sexuality is pretty shamed and damaged. When the truth comes out, things will make a lot more sense than they do now, today. I suppose I cannot blame you for how you are reacting. I’m just saying, I’ve been very open with my life, faults and all. Even down to my medical history and finances. When the truth comes out…
There is an element of this situation you are not getting. It is pretty unfair for me that how I reacted to what was happening to me is coming out first. Regardless, when the truth comes out, we will see. We will feel differently about a lot of things. Do you remember what I am claiming to have been through? Have you forgotten about my writings so soon? Yes, there is no corroboration. To you, this is a phantom crime. To me, I live with the effects every day of having been raped and abused by people very close to me for over twenty years. I have no doubts that truth will come out. The reason I keep saying we’ll see is because we might get a surprise as to the severity of the abuse in my case. It’s a psychological fact that some traumas will affect people more. Based on a number of variables. Relationship to abuser, duration of abuse, extent of abuse, whether the abuse was disclosed and not believed. There is a difference
between a thousand rapes, a single rape and a stare. Based on the fact that trauma accumulates. We might get a surprise. I am not saying that to justify or minimize anyone’s experiences. I am just saying, though while everyone suffers, not everyone suffers equally. And I praise God for truth. Read everything else I write with this in mind. Read things in context. I am not not sorry. I feel terribly for what I did. Still you have to consider my age and the fact that I was literally going through what happened on a nightly basis. It’s not an excuse. I know people are angry at me right now.
Believe me when I say that abuse is never a child’s fault. And that when these sort of things are happening to a child, their path in life will almost certainly be altered. Or stumbled. Clear fact that a child treated this way for most of its life, will be affected. Its path will be affected. I don’t expect you to believe anything at this time. I want to remind myself that God doesn’t owe me anything. And I believe that if I keep this in my heart, that nothing I could do could merit me the amazing gifts God has prepared for me, I will be able to accept the truth when it comes with grace and patience.
My sexuality has already been shamed nearly to the point of death. I want you to know that this is not about making anyone feel bad. It is not about vengeance. You have all tried very hard to accept me. I wish I could have been stronger. You’re working so hard. You’ve been brave for so long. This will not be difficult forever. There is so much to look forward to. I just hope you can remember the state I am going into this with. You will rejoice. I hope I will be able to enjoy it with you.
When a child learns from the youngest possible age that this is normal and appropriate behavior, that this is what they are worth, that this is how adults show love to children, it is nearly guaranteed that they also will learn this behavior. This is not behavior isolated to me. It’s a lot more common than we admit. A lot more common than we want to know. I’ve said before that it is a miracle that I didn’t turn out worse. I didn't grow as a Christian. I didn't know Christ growing. Actually, realizing there was a lot of satanic stuff in my childhood. I was sold to satan when I was an infant. I am not justifying what I did. I just hope you can see what I was up against. I have absolutely done things I am not proud of but I have exhausted a lot of energy and time into making sure it doesn’t happen again. I’ve gone out of my way to change. I am a changed heart. Please keep things in perspective when you assess what I have done with what I have been through. It’s important not to judge. Sexual abuse, the only perspective that is important is the victim’s. But we cannot deny our capacity as living, reactive creatures to both harm and to be harmed. There are some things, which all creatures know are wrong. Child abuse is one of them. Yet, we have sin etched in our collective heart. We go against God all the time. The reason I have to stand up for my rights now is because they literally have robbed me of a life, stripping me of choice because of the dynamics involved. They made a lifestyle of abuse. Happened daily, crimes... daily. No exaggeration. It doesn’t matter if I submitted. Of course I submitted. They groomed me from infancy, teaching me it was all I was worth. They should have known better. They were the adults. In most ways, I knew that all of this stuff would be brought to the surface. And believe me, in no way am I defending what I have done in the past and some of the ways I have learned to cope. I know it was wrong. Believe me, I know it was wrong. But, I am changed. You ask how I can be sure. Because I have learned to love again. When I received healthy role models for love and masculinity and ways to express emotions, I healed. Again, it does not make it right. But, what they did to me was literally over the course of twenty years and it was very serious. I pray that you all remember how much courage it takes to admit you have done wrong. Especially in an area as sensitive as this. It takes an unbelievable amount of courage to admit your sinful nature. Everybody should do the same. We are more alike than you want to believe. But it is the foundation of our faith, is it not? I say with love that this was a part of my message. This is the reason I have come. Don’t judge by appearances. It’s tempting but there are always reasons, perhaps neurotic but very real and logical in some way that is clear to the person, for why a person does something. I admit completely, I am the first person to admit that I have a tainted past. The tainted past that I have was very much caused by the traumas and sufferings that affected me in my development. I can say that I am a changed man today. I am changed by the love and grace and mercy of God and the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus.” When close adults begin molesting and treating vilely a child in its infancy, it is little doubt – nor should anyone be surprised – when that child grows up and has difficulties. I think it is plaid that something like that will affect a person and the path they choose later in life. Even the strongest animal, a lion or elephant, when continually kicked, shamed and abused will learn to lower its head. I’m living in grace. I have confessed a lot of things I have been through, terrible, shameful things that most people would be content not sharing openly with the world. I have also confessed some bad things I have done. But I recognize why I did these things and as sincerely as I was able, apologized and repented. In my writing, if not directly to the individuals. My abusers sins are still in darkness.” The porn, I watched as a completely neurotic way to cope with what was happening or had happened to me. It was like a drug. It was a way to masque my emotions. When I realized what I was doing, I stopped looking at the shit entirely. Have been off it for nearly ten years. Anyways, I want to be honest. Because that is more than I ever got. Still, I have faith that things will get better. That the truth will come out. Really, what effect will my forgiveness have unless the truth comes out? I’m just not entirely sure why the authorities didn’t investigate further or contact me when they found out part of what I was saying was true. Instead, they underhandedly gave me a record because of my own confession in my claims. Name of God!
It is reasonable but actually quite unfair that my history should be brought out. Remember who reported this crime. Remember the fact that for the most part, I was a child too when I reacted, if not in age, then in emotional well-being. It does not excuse it. Remember my message. Things may seem like they’re struggling at the moment. But with God, everything works together for the good. Sometimes not in the ways you’d expect. But truth will be revealed. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. When you see a child doing those sort of things, it is more than often a symptom of something going on. It is more than often never a character trait. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault. There’s no sense in pointing fingers. Except for one thing: I was an infant when they started doing this to me. Completely innocent. I hope you can see why I am having such difficulty in accepting that ‘there are two or three more fingers pointing back at me’ when so much of what I have done is a reaction to what they did to me. This is not about blame. I have complete faith in Christ’s just judgement. It’s about truth. The world has to rejoice – not just the Church. If there is one thing I am continually learning, it’s that how people feel is never final.
You might not be thinking things through fully. It feels a little uncanny that I have to keep telling my story. Also, that it feels like I have to keep apologizing. I will apologize for the rest of my life for what I did. But don’t forget that I have never received apology or even acknowledgement for what they did to me. Which is really all I want. When truth comes out in my case, will I receive an apology? I doubt it. But I will be free. There is a difference between once and ten thousand times. Remember trauma and shame accumulate. It doesn’t undermine the action or how a person reacts to it. But there is certainly a difference in traumatic effect. I understand and I have empathy. It is just difficult and sort of perpetuates the shame I feel in addition to this silence. One thing I know for certain, Truth is only going to have so much more value when it comes out in all of this darkness. I’m not a mind reader. I don’t have anyone informing me on this mission. I rely completely on the insight and wisdom that our Father has given me. That’s not a boast. I’m saying that to emphasize the fact that no one is helping me. Yet, I’ve all the help I need. I feel I need to keep reminding people that I was a baby when they started abusing me. I was wed to Satan as an infant. This is not the child's choice. I was an infant. Growing up, my abusers raped me. My male abuser started raping me as soon as he sensed I was big enough. With my female abuser, it was more of a grooming process. Although my female abuser started when I was very young as well. Again, this is not a condemnation. These are real experiences that I have lived, which have served to shape me. For the good. And in a lot of ways, in injuring ways. Don’t forget what part of my message is: that trauma accumulates. That shame accumulates. As long as it goes unprocessed. Feeling devastated and unworthy, I vowed not to overcome until the end. Still, I think I am doing a spot on job of addressing many of the issues that challenge me. I am challenging the negative thoughts as they come, with a new statement that I am saying to myself: “I am worth the precious blood of Jesus.” I am a resurrected man. You know this to be true. It is envy and a lack of justice that prevents you from accepting it. This desire for justice is misplaced.
You need take into account, the extremely debilitating trauma of sexual assault and abuse at such early ages. We are absolutely to forgive. The Bible does not tell us to forgive and forget. The Bible does not tell us to act as if the sin had never occurred and live as if you don’t remember it. A rape victim can choose to forgive the rapist but that does not mean that the sin never happened. To spend time with the rapist, especially if they are unrepentant, is not what Scripture teaches. I came across an example on a website that I hope will help bring a little more clarity to what I am saying: "You told me that I needed to forgive my husband and be reconciled. But he was abusive to me for years. I took the abuse far too long because my pastor told me I should submit. Then when I saw him begin to abuse my children as well, I gathered the courage to leave him for good. Now you tell me I have to forgive him as if it never happened.” ‘When wrong doing is chronic, reconciliation is difficult and perhaps inadvisable.’ We can forgive within our spirits, but the full restoration of a relationship requires the commitment of both parties. Search your hearts and you will know that what I am saying is very reasonable. Forgiveness means that we don’t harbor ill will toward the person who wronged us, but it does not mean that the wrong was right. Forgiveness involves not holding a sin against another any longer, but forgiveness is different than trust. Sometimes, the dynamics of the relationship will have to change. “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty” (Proverbs 22:3). I do love them; my abusers. I want you to see this trauma and recognize it, not out of vengeance or spite; definitely not, but rather out of an appeal to mercy. I cannot explain to you how this all affected me and mostly, how it affects me in such a negative way when I continue to interact with them and communicate with them. But they are very real feelings. As real as a broken arm or a fractured bone. There definitely was a reason I was chosen. I admit others could have done a better job here than me. I have a hard time admitting that others, having endured what I endured, could do a better job than I. Still, “If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven,” (John 20:23). I personally choose to liberate them from the debt they owe me, before God the Father, because they are God's children too. But the pain I have is very real and is absolutely not a choice. Please. Have empathy and understand that human beings can suffer. We are flesh and blood. But we are so much more than just that. We have a spirit. We are God’s children. That is why I forgive. I am sure of this: it is not me who forgives. It is the Spirit within me. There is no other explanation. But the pain is very real and goes deeper than flesh. And that pain, we cannot run from. We are going to have to deal with it sooner or later. My soul is wounded. Only Christ, only love can fix this. But we need physical love in complement to spiritual love. Without it, we cannot understand the concept of a God who loves us unconditionally. We need physical love to remind us that we are human, made in the image of God. But when we are not just deprived of this love but treated in terrible ways in the name of love, it becomes so destructive. We crave love. But yet, we push it away because it is threatening to us. We cannot have it because it is terrifying. And it is terrifying that we cannot have it. Our souls are damaged because love was replaced by fear. And that is not a choice. In spite of the pain I feel, I choose to forgive. I choose to forgive because it's for me. I choose to forgive them in spite of the fact that they knew exactly what they were doing and still, thirty years later, have not admitted their sin or repented. Rather they justify it and try to villianize me as though I asked for it. I was a little boy. What little boy asks to be abused? Read that sentence a couple of times. Not out of spite, do I say that. Rather out of emphasis. I forgive them because I can have empathy. But the pain and hurt we feel is very real. The pain we feel, we cannot simply push aside. We cannot simply run away from our problems and hurts. We need to confront them. Because if we don’t, these issues will just get worse. Like an alcoholic, if left unchecked in his alcoholism, will only deteriorate. This is what I am actively doing right now. I am healing. And if that seems like I am withholding forgiveness, forgive me. I am not withholding forgiveness. I am making the conscious decision to heal from my wounds. I am making a conscious decision to confront my problems head on. The most important element of healing is going into your wounds, opening them up and exploring them. Going into your past and exploring it. Going into your thoughts and exploring them. But I will not stop my healing recovery and journey. I am so much better than I was. And I owe that to Christ and to my desire to heal of the problems I have. I desire to heal. We must not run from our feelings. Please have patience. I am not a bad person. I am a victim. And I am not of a victim mindset. Even though, I have grown up, literally being a victim of many, many ‘crimes’. I am also an offender. I am not a narcissist. What distinguish's a narcissist from one who is simply reacting from trauma is conscience. One day, very soon, every single man, woman and even child, will be able to admit that they are both victim and offender as well. Again, I am not saying these things out of anger. I just feel it’s necessary to remind you of these facts, which are entirely reasonable. In spite of everything, I choose to forgive. I am trying so hard. I am just healing. Something we all need to do. And I absolutely recognize that it is all for the glory of God. Please, just have compassion on those suffering. Please, have mercy.
Don’t forget that children do not simply do stuff like that. Facts are evasive and elusive. I know how hard it is to believe something, which there is little proof for. I guess I am asking you to have faith a while longer. There is proof too. In things I have done and said. Wisdom that is not my own. You will see.
There is a reason I did not deserve what happened to me, in spite of the things that I have done. I empathize with your desire for this being something I deserved. The fact is that the abuse happening to me began when I was younger than an infant. Knowing that shame accumulates, as with trauma and that this sort of behavior has the potential to perpetuate. By the time I did these things I was already abused for well over a decade. You will see.
It is God who has done this work in me. With the amount of suffering I have been through in my life, if I had not God as a continual working Presence in my life, I would be a literal wreck of a human life. Again to you who I have left with scars, I am truly sorry. I pray for your forgiveness. I pray also that you understand what I was going through when I did this to you.
Really, I do absolutely feel that some people can go through more severe circumstances in life. Many factors contribute to both the traumatic effect one faces and their emotional abilities to cope with that trauma later on down the road. Of course, that is not to compare. Neither is that to excuse or to try to be insensitive to the injuries of others. I guess I just feel that it is a fact that because trauma and shame accumulate, there are many factors, which can contribute to an injury or a series of injuries leaving more of an effect. Factors like relationship to the abuser, earlier it starts, extent, use of violence, whether your story was heard and believed if there was any disclosure. Everything I have said is true. From a child’s perspective. But this is why, in a sense, I desire validation for what I have been through. Because of the extreme nature of my abuse. I don’t have the tools to know how to love. (Returning to read this, I want to leave it up as a testimony). Love, growing up, was a trap, set as the bait for abuse and terrible pain I would wish on no one. I combat these thoughts with Christ, with the truth that I am loved. I just feel that because this abuse happened to me at such an early age, the defence mechanisms are ingrained. I need help. God knows I will not give up on love until my last breath expires. But I need to keep faith. I need to keep doing what I am doing. There is no question that things will get worse. They will get better again. There will be rest. There will be peace. I want to use the voice that I have now to encourage all of you to stay strong in your faith, to not give up. Keep vigilant and watch on your heart. Do not allow anyone to test you of your firmly held convictions. Don’t be deceived by flattery. I’m looking forward to this event, even though I know what it will eventually bring will be hard to face, I know in my heart what awaits on the other side of our convictions. I know what waits for us after we have persevered and fought this battle with all our hearts, right out to the end. Keep faith. I still have not given up faith nor have stopped believing that things can get better before this happens. Keep faith brothers and sisters. God is with you. God is with you most when you feel He is absent. Just please, remember what I am claiming. And my memory is not flawed.
I just hope you, the people I have hurt over the course of my life, are happy and that you have forgiven yourself. Things are going to get better. For you and for everyone else. I hope you can forgive me. If not now, understandably, than when the truth comes out. Everything I wrote about in my writings is real. Peace be with you. Please remember what I have been through. If it means anything, keep things in perspective. Know none of this was your fault. And I happen to know very well that God wouldn’t allow anything to happen that would hurt you, as a people. Trust in your God. He will not let you down. I wish you could see how hard I am trying. I want the best for you, for our… world.
The fact that a man who smoked twenty cigarettes a day in year’s past but since has done everything in his power to avoid cigarettes, while he is going around advocating the fact that smoking is bad for you does not make him a hypocrite. The fact that he has taken part in the thing he is criticizing does not undermine the integrity of his argument. I understand how you’re feeling. Please remember my message. That trauma accumulates, shame accumulates and this sort of behavior has the potential to perpetuate. I hope this will make more sense to you after some time. Like I said, this was bound to come out. The reason my sins, every sin that I commit from kindergarten, is emerging before the truth about what happened to me emerges is because the evil one is trying to snuff me out. He knows that what happened to me justifies and vindicates me completely. Please, remember me. There is a reason for all of this. Truth will come out.
